Recently I attended a reading event here in town, and while normally I love these things, I left this event fuming. I am surprised smoke was not coming out of my ears.
At one point in the evening, a charming, obviously pregnant woman stood up to share a story of her own. We’d already heard from her introduction that she once toiled away in corporate America – because, obviously, writers only do corporate America in one way, and that’s to toil in it – until she’d thought better of the whole prospect. She was stressed, and admittedly out of her element, working, I mean toiling, in an industry for which she had no passion, expertise or familiarity. And to top it off, after she’d given birth to her first child, she had no place to pump breast milk but in a coat closet.
The coat closet bit killed me. All I could think about was how unfortunate it was that she had to endure that experience. It seemed so degrading and humiliating, and immediately I thanked God for my private office and all of my breast-feeding-friendly coworkers. And heck, even if I didn’t have my own office, we have private rooms so women can pump their breasts for their children!
So she had me, she did, until she followed all of this with digs at her coworkers, some of them deservedly from the sound of it, and then made a crack about all of them having nannies and wondered how it was that these unfeeling, uncaring, money-hungry corporate drones could call that parenting.
I felt my entire body flush with heat and tingle. I almost had an out-of-body experience. No joke. I turned to my husband and rolled my eyes so hard I’m pretty sure they were in danger of being lodged permanently into my skull.
My name is Erin Shea. I am having a baby next year, going on maternity leave and then hiring a nanny so I can go back to work, in corporate America, full-time.
–
Long before this reading, I’d already been stewing about how horribly we all treat each other when it comes to the subject of parenting and babies. I recognize that I’m new to this, but I’m certainly not new to how women in particular behave when it comes to parenting decisions. I’ve told more than one person that despite my long-standing love and adoration for online communities, I wasn’t heading anywhere near any “mommy boards” or forums for that reason.
We have yet to find a way to express our own decisions without resorting to bashing those of someone else in order to validate those decisions. Because, perhaps, we’ve all led ourselves to believe that somehow our families, our children, will ultimately win the race of life if we hold ourselves up and think our choices superior to that of someone else. AND THEN MAKE SURE THOSE FUCKERS KNOW IT.
Ahem.
–
Here are some things I wasn’t going to share but am going to anyway:
1) We’ve hired a doula.
2) I’m going to breastfeed, and try to do so for a year.
3) I’m intending to have a drug-free childbirth, but I recognize that something might happen where I’ll need or want medical intervention.
4) We start hypnobirthing classes next month.
5) We’ve decided against using cloth diapers, but I have to admit I wish it was something that fit into our lives.
6) Yup, we’re hiring a nanny.
7) We’re not going to co-sleep or family sleep.
8 ) At some point I’m going to look into making our own baby food.
9) We believe in vaccinations.
10) We will try and work to have our daughter on a sleep schedule that fits in with our family.
Any one of these things seem to set people off like a cheap firework. What’s worse, really, is that the histrionics seem rooted in the notion that whomever made the statement – “I’m not going to breastfeed,” for example - could not possibly be more educated or knowledgeable than the person who now feels it’s his or her duty to tell them that their decision is wrong or misinformed.
The other day my friend Leah posted a link to this blog post: “The Similac Formula Recall is Not a Punchline.” It’s brilliant, if for no other reason, it gives those women and men who use formula some support from a pro-breast-feeding mom who knows that now is not the time to advocate by being an asshole. My favorite part?
“Life happens. Formula happens. You know who formula happens to, in particular? Women who can’t breastfeed. Fathers caring for babies on their own. Adoptive parents caring for babies. You know what those parents don’t want to read? Shitty, spiteful comments about how ‘well if you were breastfeeding, you wouldn’t have to worry about feeding your kid beetle parts.‘”
While I recognize that this post is topical and timely, I think it’s a sound argument for anything parenting-related. When we make gross assumptions about, say, breast feeding, and are so passionately vocal about that position that we cease applying tact or a filter to our words, we’re just assholes, and we’re not doing the cause – whatever the cause – a lick of good. Often we don’t even know the circumstances of those for whom this vitriol is aimed.
There seems to be an idea floating around that there are women who feed their children formula who do so out of sheer convenience, ignoring the benefits of breast milk. I’ve yet to see the topic come up where someone doesn’t mention this matter of “convenience” though I have yet to encounter a women who, as my friend Claire put it, “[doesn't] want to be bothered to put down their martini to pump,” because that’s the image that’s conjured up when someone makes the convenience argument. Just the same, I’m baffled as to why this is my business anyway. Even more baffling to me is why, to my friend Jackie’s point, people feel “duty-bound” to “educate” others to the point where it’s intrusive and rude.
Or, you know, they’re advocating by being an asshole.
Here’s the thing about advocating by asshole: the people who you have no hope of converting think you’re an asshole. And the people who you do have a chance of converting think you’re an asshole, too. And everyone who agrees with your position wishes you’d just shut up or at least learn a modicum of manners.
We’ve made our above choices because we’ve done a lot of homework and research and figured out that these things work best for our lives, for our family. And I’ve thought about not sharing these things because I really didn’t want to start fielding “well-intended comments” from people who feel because of their own experience and research it’s their business to interject into the decisions of my family.
All of you parents out there are probably out of appendages to account for all of the “If you want my advice…” comments you’ve received since becoming parents, none of which you’ve actually asked for in the first place. And most of it is harmless and, truly, well-intended. Most of those people wish they would have known then what they know now. The problem with that, of course, is that I’m not them then. I’m me now. And if I asked for your advice, that’s one thing. But if I don’t ask you whether or not putting my child on a sleeping schedule is a smart idea, you should probably just keep your mouth shut if you don’t have anything nice to share.
So I’m sharing these things, and I’m trying to be particularly mindful of how I share them, lest I seem to be doing anything other than sharing my experience. I look back now even at my post about being a strict parent and worry that my words had some unintended consequence, despite the fact that the majority of the people who commented agreed with me. Just the same, I promise to be more mindful of what I say here. I want to continue to share what’s going on with our lives, and the only way for me to do that without adding to the nauseating cacophony of crazy is to stick to that promise.
–
I don’t know that woman at that reading, and she doesn’t know me. Maybe she thought it was safe for her to assume that a literary reading didn’t include an audience with a proud member of corporate America who planned to hire a nanny and go back to work. But it did, and she doesn’t know me from a hole in the ground. She doesn’t know that I grew up with a mother who was, by and large, a generally unhappy and miserable person, and that I vowed never to be that for my children. She couldn’t have possibly known that I grew up truly scared and frightened much of the time, worried about money and security, and I vowed that my children would never know that kind of fear. She couldn’t have known how supportive and kind my corporate workplace is, and how excited each and every person is about my daughter’s arrival, sometimes seemingly more so than I am. She couldn’t have known that her poorly chosen words, used simply to illustrate her own choices, could come off so silly and trite.
I am going to fuck up royally, and it’s unlikely our daughter get through her life without blaming me and Scott for something in her life. None of these things we do will completely buffer that from happening. All it can do is, hopefully, help us get through each day, and help her to become a better person.
And maybe let Mama and Daddy get some sleep.
I just wanted to thank you for linking to my essay and for your kind words about it.
A lot of your parenting-planning stuff sounds like me with my first son, and I wish you the best of luck! Those plans worked well for us, although my first birth ended up being induced so I didn’t quite make it without an epidural hehe. The second was all natural and the experience really is amazing. A doula is a VERY GOOD decision. It makes all the difference.
Wishing you the best, mama.
Heh, you’re just lucky you don’t have to face the circumcision debate! That really brings out the crazies.
I really appreciate this post. I fully intended to breastfeed from the first moment of my son’s life – but then my drug-free childbirth turned into an emergency c-section, and it went all to hell. He spent a few days in the NICU, they gave him bottles, and it’s been a battle ever since. I keep going back and forth on whether I should keep trying to breastfeed, even though it’s painful and stressful and inevitably results in a furiously screaming baby, or if I should just give it up and feed formula exclusively. Right now he gets about half formula and half pumped breastmilk, which is a cumbersome arrangement, but that’s where we are.
Even though I KNOW that formula does not automatically mean a disadvantaged kid, and even though I wouldn’t harshly judge someone else for formula-feeding, I have been very hard on myself about it. I try to glean helpful information from pro-breastfeeding websites, but all the propaganda about the negative effects of formula just make me feel like shit. And my husband is upset that I seem to be “giving up” when I can’t stand to try just one more time to latch the baby onto my sore, worn-out nipples. It just feels like there’s nothing but judgment all around, and it’s upsetting.
I could write a book about this (oh wait, I just did…).
Very well put Erin!
I have two children – now ages 8 and 4. I did it both ways – one way with each. Was at home with my first and only breastfed. Went back to work with my second and used formula. Neither was right or wrong, it was just what was best for me and my family at that time. (Although I do find it ironic that the child that was 100% breastfed is the one with allergies, asthma, eczema and the formula-fed one has none of those – kind of contrary to what the rabid breastfeeding advocates espouse.)
I’ve always believed that as long as a mom isn’t abusing or neglecting her children then however she chooses to do everything is none of my business.
I’m not her, I don’t know what is best for her and her family.
Best wishes to you.
And if you make your own decisions and own them people still get all up your your grill and give you assvice couched as “but it takes a village to raise a child” crap. (Someone had a bumper sticker with “I have seen the village and i don’t want it raising my child!” Love!)
It’s tiring but particularly as kids get out of the baby years it gets less contentious and frustrating. If you can just resign yourself to 4ish years of constant assvice, you’re good.
Kelly, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I have only had relatively minor breastfeeding issues with my 3 kids, and I hate pumping so much (I guess it’s a good thing that my kids shunned bottles completely and I am home with them so it’s not a big deal…). I have a good friend who had a similar birth experience and exclusively pumped for a year – holy cow, I thought she should be sainted. I don’t get much pumping (though I have a massive oversupply, I don’t respond well to pumps) and I don’t like doing it though I love the actual nursing part. So more power to you in whatever you end up deciding, I am very very impressed at your dedication.
I just wanted to reassure you that the only thing I read in the post on how strict you are going to be was love. I am also pregnant, and it made me think about the promises I want to make to my unborn son.
Bravo!!! Seriously, this post is proof that you’ve learned the first lesson on keeping hold of your sanity as a pregnant woman/infant parent.
Trust _your_ instincts and what you believe are the best choices for your family!
And be flexible if/when they don’t work and adapt to whatever change is needed!
The ones who tend to go on about how you’re doing it wrong (but it is not a danger or wrong way technically) is usually trying to get validation that their own choices were/are the right ones. People get so caught up in trying to figure out all the perfect answers, they completely miss what is the right answer.
That all said– I have had great conversations with other moms who had great advice and tips- some I immediately dismissed because I just don’t follow that philosophy, but there were a lot that made me think through how it would make my life easier and the baby happier. That first year is hard enough, use all your resources to their best advantages!
And sleep. Dear lord, especially the first couple of months, if you’re starting to lose your patience with anyone including yourself, force someone to help so you can get some sleep. Getting a solid block of sleep will do WONDERS for your mood, attitude, outlook, everything. And this is coming from someone who thought she had the one skill that would work best- horrible insomnia for years, I was the poster woman for operating on no sleep. Post baby? That is totally different. So if anyone offers to do anythign for you- let them watch the baby etc so you can get some sleep.
I don’t agree with you on a lot of things, but this all sounds like a good, realistic approach to me. And I’ve never even heard of hypnobirthing. Children are more of an art than a science, it seems to me.
Well said. Good for you. And thank you.
Beautifully said, Erin… hurrah!
I want to print this out and give it to everyone I know. Amazing. Beautiful. And I 100% agree.
Good idea to stay away from the mommy boards — the vilest, most judgmental, most mean-spirited discussions I have ever seen have taken place on mommy boards. I think you are right — if someone else is parenting in a different way than we are, it is somehow threatening and must be WRONG. So crazy, because our lifestyles are all so different from each other, why would our parenting styles be the same?
Re: the “Life happens. Formula happens” statement — I get it, but I don’t think it goes far enough. I don’t think women should have to explain why they are not breastfeeding. Like, if it’s a good enough reason, it’s OK, but otherwise, pile on the vitriol. Reason does not matter — not comfortable, not convenient, saving my breasts for SI swimsuit spread — it’s between a woman and her family. And honestly, I don’t see ANY difference between my breastfed son and friends’ kids who were formula fed.
Eh. Sorry to go on. This stuff makes me crazy, too. Good luck and don’t worry about the sanctimommies. Love your baby and life your life.
I really hate how other parents can be so judgmental, and when you have a little itty baby, it is hard to laugh it off or let it roll off your back. I wouldn’t call myself an experienced parent by any stretch of the imagination, but I will say that as your kid grows and gets older, it gets easier to let criticisms or comments just fly over your head. I’ve certainly had people raise their eyebrows a certain way or say like, “Bless your heart” when I say that Catherine is in full-time daycare, and it hurt my feelings a year ago, but right now? Those people don’t see how she RUNS into her classroom and says hello to every kid and every toy and blows me kisses when I leave. I see the proof that she is having a good time and is thriving, so I think I am probably in a better position to say whether or not daycare is working for my family, not some random person on the street or some relative I only see a few times a year.
And there are plenty of people out there who think there is only one Right Way and everything else is Wrong. I had a lot of ideas about what I wanted to do and what I didn’t want to do when I was pregnant and I changed my mind on a lot of things. And I am fully prepared to change my mind again if we have another kid, because every kid is different and every situation is different.
Very well written! I personally have no issues telling people to stick it where the sun don’t shine regarding my pregnancy and future parenting decisions, but it breaks my heart to see women get down on themselves for not meeting certain standards of perfect mom-hood. Breastfeeding and pain management during birth in particular make my head spin. Folks, thems my private parts, I will do what I feel is best with them, and it is none. of your. fraking. business. Similarly, I support women’s decisions to do what they need to do. Feminism shouldn’t be a catty, critical, white privilege sorority, it means having the OPTION to do what is best for you.
Well put Erin! It is shameful how mothers put down other mothers. I have been slammed for finding out the sex of my baby, wanting drugs in delivery and for circumsicing my son. Why this was anyone’s business is beyond me. I breastfeed and am still going strong 9 months, however at 6 months, my little guy’s demand outweighted my supply. He now gets formula and breastmilk…50/50. He gets every drop I produce. Do I think that is horrible? No way! I am happy that I am still able to do this. I have had many friends who wanted to continue to nurse but stopped producing. Perhaps if I didn’t work, had less stress and more time to nurture my milk glands, blah, blah, blah…I could meet his entire demand. But I do work and I love my job, and though being a working Mom is hard and I have tons of mommy guilt, this is what is best for my family and me in the long run. I am harder on myself than any person will ever be, so I have learned to tune other people out. I am not perfect and if I have another baby, there are some things I will do differently. The biggest lesson I have learned is that they are not as complicated as some of these crazy mothers make them out to be. There is way too much over thinking going on out there and I got caught up in it. Trust your gut. You will know your baby better than anyone, including doctors. Do what makes sense.
AMEN!!! I have been a lurker since the days you were planning your (first) wedding and I was planning mine. I have always kept up with, and enjoyed, what you have to say. However, I have never commented until this day, and this post. I am due with my first human baby in 2 weeks and I couldn’t agree with your post more. We need to start cutting each other some slack… letting each other breathe… and not be so cocky to think that every decision we or others make causes irreparable damage or automatic success. I feel like an oddball, because my mom and grandma didn’t breastfeeding, and told me my whole life how amazing formula is. I plan to breastfeed, and they are being pretty supportive. I went to an Ivy league university and I’m at Northwestern for my masters, and I can’t help taking it a little personally when I read how much smarter, healthier, and better breastfeed babies are as compared to us formula suckers. Oh well. It’s a hot-button topic, like any of the ones you brought up, and I just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts and your words.
Erin:
This is the first time I’m commenting in a looong time. I agree with you: parenting is made up of hundreds of personal choices that many people want to make *their* business. As my mom says: “Healthy parenting is a wide road” and there’s lots of room for different styles on that route. For the record, we put our kids on sleep schedules, did not put them in our beds, we did breastfeeding and bottlefeeding and with my youngest we shared a nanny with a neighbor. For many years my husband was the stay at home dad and both of us dealt with other people’s judgments about both his and my career choices. My husband and I decided what was important to us and our children and who cares what other people think? They are not responsible or accountable to our kids: we are. So, bravo, to you. You two are starting out with your feet on the ground and your focus on each other and your baby.
well, you’ve discovered early on that mothers can be the most vicious and unforgiving creatures on the planet. i don’t think that will ever change, but you can at least be prepared. i had NO CLUE how truly horrendous some women can be when it comes to parenting choices, and i blog a lot about how much people irritate me in regard to this type of thing.
and also, i’m totally right there with you on the nanny thing. if i had a job i loved, i’d probably want to hire a nanny, too. as it stands, the only job i’ve actually ever liked is being a mom and writing, and i can write from home.
Oh sweet Christ on a cracker, I love you. Seriously. You’re just so freaking reasonable. And I will TOTALLY be your nanny. Well, I would be if I wasn’t so immersed in my corporate America job
Ha! As a non-mom, i was like “wtf is a doula?”
Go get’em, Tiger.
Everyone tells you that you have no idea how hard it will be until the baby is born. I find the opposite to be true, as well; things that seemed like a HUGE decision (for me, it was cloth diapers – I was obsessed) become a tiny little blip in comparison to the reality of raising a child. All of these choices we make – cosleeping, breastfeeding, the whole nine yards – came down to me to What Works For Me And How Will The Baby Sleep Best? Which makes it fully your decision and nobody else’s, as everyone else is simply looking in from the outside…
Just to reiterate (for the last time, I promise) that the Ask Moxie site is home to some totally non-judgmental, smart, humorous, patient moms who understand the pain, sweat, and suck while basking in the love. You should see the comments on Moxie’s post about the Similac recall. Instead of people pursing their lips and saying “that’s what you get for not breastfeeding,” it turned into a discussion of the gross things all their kids had eaten. Much grosser than beetle parts. Just saying.
I think that you can make all the lists in the world on what your intentions are going to be when the baby arrives, but until you actually have her cuddled in your arms, it’s just a list. ‘Cause one or all of those items will get tossed out the window once your emotions are in the picture, entangled with those of your partner and newborn.
I truly hear you, Erin, but I also hear the woman who complained about the women with nannies. Many of us are struggling financially and the corporate environment does not welcome all. I think it’s important to dig deep and meet people where they’re at and really try to be OK with them. This could have been an opportunity to go up to the woman afterward and say how much her comments touched you (and they obviously did) and how although you were one of those women lucky enough to afford a nanny, you really heard where she was coming from. In some ways, you and this woman seem like two sides of the same coin. Just an observation. We are becoming such a divisive, stratified society–I think we need to take every opportunity to meet others, who may not share our class backgrounds, color, or beliefs, where they are. Just a thought.
SAL – I think you missed the point. It wasn’t a class/financial argument she was making – she was insulting people who have nannies as bad parents because they opt/have the luxury of hiring nannies. And I think I was pretty clear that I felt awful that she had to endure such a hostile environment, but when you go ahead and say that people who hire nannies are bad excuses for parents? It’s highly unlikely I’m going to try and “meet you where you live.” Again, if she was making an argument about not being able to afford it, or simply that she worked at a crappy place that didn’t support her, she would have totally had my support. But that’s not at all what she was saying. She was making a blanket statement about all of corporate America, and all people who hire nannies.
Amen to what Julia said just above. So much changed for me after my baby actually arrived, that I could not have predicted before he was here.
Also, on a personal note about your #5, when I was pregnant, I thought that cloth diapers would not fit into my life so I decided against them, like you. However when my son was six months old we made the switch and I’ve never regretted my choice in any way. In fact it made me much happier. I found that it was not anywhere near the amount of “work” that I expected it to be, and it also made a positive difference in my wallet/budget as well as the environment.
I am not saying that the choice is right for everyone, just that I was pleasantly surprised how easy it was (compared to how hard I thought it would be). And I would be happy to “talk” (email) to you about my experiences if you wanted, without being judgy in any way if you decided against it… I truly felt a lot of pressure (self-generated) when I was pregnant and don’t think I was able to deal with the situation until I was established in other things after he was born (about 6 months old). With #2 we used cloth as soon as the meconium was gone, and never had any issues.
Thanks, Felicia! I’ll keep that in mind!
I tried to breastfeed for 6 weeks….NOTHING. No milk ever showed up. I made the HUGE mistake of going to the message boards basically to be told that I was poisoning my child by giving him formula. 17 months later and I have never seen a healthier little boy. He has been sick ONCE. Several of my friends’ breast-fed babies are sick so often it is shocking. It’s a personal choice and the experience is not the same for everyone.
I did make my own baby food, it was surprisingly a lot easier than I thought it would be. E-mail me if you want more thoughts on that.
Bottom line, you do what you have to do as a parent. You’ll be great!
Erin…Good post in the honesty department, but I think you are setting yourself up for potential disappointment (your own, your husband’s) by putting forth this list. And, frankly, it IS a little off-putting to read, in effect, “I have a great job with my own private office & I’m hiring a nanny, so you all have to deal with me writing about my privilege.” This from me, someone with no kids & my own fortunate lifestyle of 2 homes & my husband’s and my own good income. I’m not jealous of your good fortune, I just think you’re coming off as defensive. Why blog about this stuff if you fear a backlash? Own your life & do what you think is right for yourself, your husband and your baby.
Well, “Craftsy,” you make a good point that I didn’t think to make earlier: I don’t know if you live near me, but hiring a nanny is actually cheaper (and more common) than the daycare options we have. If you can find a good daycare, that takes infants and is affordable, you’re lucky. Lo that we had another option from which to make our decision.
As for feeling as though my list and my choices and me discussing the circumstances of my life feel oft-putting to you, well, I can’t control that. I’m not going to apologize for what my life looks like, and it’s not as though I’m not pretty clear about how blessed I think we are. You’re always welcome not to read. And you’re missing the point – I don’t fear a personal backlash. If I don’t like what someone has to say, and it’s hurtful and mean, I just delete the comment. My point was that a woman made a blanket statement that people who hire nannies are sorry excuse for parents. And more often than not I hear a lot of people making similar statements, and that sucks. That’s it. And much like you assuming something about me because we’re hiring a nanny, and all you think that comes with that, I think it’s silly to make assumptions on other people based on a very limited perspective. If I’m defensive about anything, it’s that you can’t possibly know what kind of person I am, or parent I will be, based on a handful of parenting choices we want to make. If you interpret that as me putting out a call that I’m about to “write about my privilege,” well again, if it bothers someone, and they think that’s what I’m doing, they can read someone else. It is what it is. I can’t control that, and I’m not going out of my way to talk about my houses and mine and my husband’s “good income.”
You actually don’t know what my income looks like, right? Or what sacrifices we may be making in order for me to go to work, because I love it, and it means something to us, because we don’t have many other viable options. See what I mean?
As an aside, I *do* think it’s kind of interesting how you comment about me and my “privilege” and can’t seem to do so without pointing out and mentioning your own. Just an observation.
AND as far as my list? Eh. I’ve been disappointed before, I doubt it would be the last. Putting up the list was more demonstrative of me saying that these are things I want to talk about, things we are considering, and they tend to be controversial topics, but I’m not going to shy away from them anymore because they set some people off. End of story. Don’t read more into it than that.
Erin, I’m actually pretty much on your side. I’m not asking you to apologize for your depiction of your life. I was actually attempting in a few sentences to show you I’m coming from a sort-of-similar place. I guess I roundly failed!
I was attempting to weigh regarding those who might translate “I’m hiring a nanny” as “I’m rich,” and how these days, that could be a sensitive area. That’s it. What if someone who reads your journal and generally likes what you have to say, but felt sensitive around that area, made that interpretation and sent you a comment? Would you say, “Well, don’t read, then?” I honestly don’t understand that argument…everything is not black-and-white. Do you like every single piece that your favorite writer ever published? Do you like every song that your favorite band ever recorded?
The only reason I mentioned my circumstances was to illustrate that I’m coming to you from a position of “I think we’re in the same boat” and to avoid comments of “Oh, you’re just jealous of Erin” — though I see I should take my own advice about not caring too much about others’ reactions as long as I’m secure in my own life. I honestly was not trying to brag. Does it help to round out the picture if I provide the information that I also have a chronic debilitating illness and that both my father and my father-in-law have dementia and that my sister is living with a dangerous alcoholic? That’s all true. Everyone has their troubles.
No, I don’t know your income situation or your sacrifices, etc. You talk about your plans and your house and your great job and your yoga classes, etc…I don’t think any newcomer to your journal would think that you are a person who is struggling. I get a picture of you from this site that while you have had your periods of difficulty, they are wrapped around by getting a book published, finding a wonderful husband, getting pregnant, writing well, your job, your self-discoveries. Everyone paints their own portraits to the online world and no one has any idea if anyone is putting forth the truth, so we can only go on what we read. (And I include myself here, of course.)
You had a swift reaction to the woman at the reading and now you’re swiftly reacting to my comment. I was not trying to be judgmental or mean or make egregious inferences and I apologize if my previous comment came across as such.
Actually, it is that black-and-white for me, simply because I don’t have any other choice if I want to blog about my life. I’ve always held this philosophy when it comes to my blog and people who have a negative reaction to what I write about: don’t read. I won’t not write about my life, and I can’t ask someone not to feel about me how they feel, based on what I write here. And probably what set me off a bit was that you felt as though it was your duty to point that out. I understand your intent was admirable, and in the right place, I think, but I can’t be responsible for other people’s feelings, and they’re entitled to them, no matter where they’re coming from.
And oh my gosh this is a blog! A silly personal blog. It’s not the end of the world if someone stops reading me. It’s happened before, more times than I can count, and I’ve lived to see another day.
And I’ve never said I’ve struggled – I don’t. We don’t. You just don’t know what choices we make to have what we have, versus the things we don’t. Nor does anyone else. My best friend says everyone gets to make their own choices about how they spend their money. I figure that’s the case for all people, so I try not to assume that because someone say, spends money on yoga classes, that they’re rolling in it. But yes, I’ve been pretty fortunate, and I have it better than some, worse than others. If you’ve read me for awhile, you know that. And I’ve never said otherwise. Of course, back to my original point, you only know what I put out there. I subscribe to that with all bloggers, too, and if people don’t apply that to me as well? Nothing I can do.
And, seriously, last point: this isn’t about a class/financial issue, but I can see that by virtue of the fact that I mention some of the choices we’re hoping to make that it’s easy to start that discussion. But I’m not placing a value judgment on any of these choices as anything other than a good option for our family. If daycare was a viable option for our family, I’d be just as happy to list that as something we’re looking to do, and I’m willing to bet I’d still be taken to task for it, because there are always going to be those people for whom they see it as their place to do so. You can’t win, and I really don’t look to take people to task for their financial situations, good or bad.
Erin, you say you’re a writer.
I have never heard of a true writer — one who is compelled to write, one who MUST write — asking her audience to withhold its reactions to her words. Why else would you publish publicly?
To say that someone should read a book or a newspaper or a blog post and ignore subtlety, context and inference is naive.
So are the personal-blogging rules such that you, the writer, can express her feelings on any given subject, but her audience cannot? Particularly if the subject is the writer herself, lest the audience be told, “If you don’t like it, leave…?”
I stand by my statement, Craftsy. This isn’t a newspaper or a book. It’s a personal blog, and if something I write bothers a person, they can read something else. I never said they couldn’t have their opinion, or express it, or that they need to withhold their reactions. Quite the contrary, if you’ll review my comment. Everyone is entitled to feel how they want to feel. I just said that I wasn’t about to do what you seemed to be suggesting, and that’s to tailor how I write my blog so as not to potentially offend someone whose reaction to what I write about I can’t possibly control. End of story.
Honestly, I’m just going to close out the comments here. I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree because I don’t think you’re comfortable with the fact that my position is as it is, and there isn’t anything that, after 12 years of doing this, will make me think I should take another position.
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