So this hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy. I had heard women go through some rough stuff during the first trimester, and I’ve always considered myself a fighter, so I wasn’t particularly concerned. Alas, I was woefully unprepared for any of it. I really was.
While some might call me a control freak, I prefer the term “persnickety.” No matter what you call it, having my body be taken over by forces out of my reach has taken a toll. There was no amount of mental persistence or fortitude that could have made the last three months easier. And that’s hard for someone who has always worked through the pain, no matter what that pain looked like.
My days have been marked in the following ways:
1) Wake up, feeling nauseous from the second I open my eyes. I have stopped taking the train. The three-mile walk it adds to my day, plus having to wake up early to catch the train, stop being a reality. Plus the heat? Oy. I have spent too much on parking garage fees. I had to start budgeting it in.
2) Work, and try and battle the nausea all day long, eating whatever comes to mind, or at least whatever it is that I can convince myself to eat. Feel this way until around 6:30 p.m., when I get ready to go home.
3) Not go into the kitchen, open the pantry or the fridge. Hope to God something sounds appetizing. I have not cooked a meal since May.
4) Work some more, pass out.
Come Friday, I pass out quickly. Saturdays have consisted of me in bed, all day. The week has just about taken everything out of me. I don’t think I was at all mentally prepared for what this might feel like. Sick, tired, listless, even a little depressed. I told Scott early on that it felt a bit like Groundhog Day. I took no joy in eating – people, Baked Cheetos grossed me out – and the fact that all I could contribute to my relationship was a suffering, sad and sick lump on a log was all I could take. Scott was loving and caring and understanding. He did his level best to help. However, there was very little I could do – and believe me, we tried everything – that made a difference, and I’ve always been a firm believe that if I just did “X,” then “Y” would happen.
This kid is already teaching me a few firm lessons in how much an illusion control really is.
It’s hard to admit to not enjoying being pregnant, when that’s all the world wants you to do. I enjoy that by being pregnant, we’ll have a new member of our family. I’m excited about meeting her in a few months, about being her mom. Holy hell I do not like being pregnant. My brain has enough space for my job, sleeping and breathing. People ask me about color schemes and nursery themes and I think, “Are you kidding me? Are you serious?” I don’t think in themes, I don’t wander through baby-related aisles…I’m just trying to get through a night of getting back to sleep after I get up to pee in the middle of it. And then of course I feel guilty for not thinking about anything baby-related, other than getting her here. And because those people are just being nice and are happy for us.
My comments about not enjoying this part of becoming a mom have been met with the most blank of stares by some people. Those people haven’t usually experienced the sort of nausea I have since June. And it’s OK, it is, and it’s not like I’m the only woman who has gone through this, and I know that. But I also know it’s hard for others to see a less-than-joyful pregnant lady. To those people I say, “Please give me a chocolate-chip cookie before I hit you.”
I hate that I had to give up bootcamp classes. I hate that the summer went by without me leaving the couch. I hate that I haven’t had a vegetable in weeks. I hate that I feel like a delicate flower. One of my most favorite things to do is go grocery shopping, and I’ve had to run out of so many grocery stores because of the smell. I hate that my routine is just shot to hell. I hate that I’ve got the energy of a very old goat.
And so it goes. I’m certain there are symbolic, pithy things that can be said about all of this, about how it’s emblematic of what my life will look like with a child – unpredictable, chaotic, unruly. I can actually hear the smirks from some of you who know better. But you know what? I don’t care much about those things. It’s been a tough summer, and a tough road so far, and at least when our daughter gets here, she will actually be here. So far I’ve just got perpetual bloat and a dramatically shrinking wardrobe to show for all of this. I don’t know how women are supposed to buy into this kind of dramatic change as the most amazing experience, when oftentimes, for some of us, it’s just not.
Here’s the good news: it seems to be wrapping up. Right now I’m fighting a cold, and I’m still tired, but the 12-hour-long nausea is abating, much like everyone said it would come the second trimester. I’m going to try and get into the gym next week to do some light moving and lifting, for the mental benefit, if nothing else. I haven’t had a free moment to buy any clothes to get me through – I’ve only gained three pounds (I originally lost weight, but things evened out) but it feels like so much more, enough that I need some new jeans, at least. Or at least a whole bunch of leggings and big shirts. There is only so much cobbling together I can do of what I have left that fits me, especially since I the last round of clothes I’d purchased were accommodating the body that was developing after daily bootcamp classes.
This body now has a greater, more noble purpose, I grant you, but boy is it smooshy in places that haven’t been smooshy since I was at my heaviest weight.
And I’ll be honest: the body image stuff is tough. I’m lucky enough that I have friends and loved ones who will let me share how I feel about this, and so I can keep it in check. It dawned on me this week, though, that with the baby I’ll likely get back to or near my heaviest weight of 188 pounds. It’s not the worst thing in the world, of course, and it’s certainly not the end of it. And unlike the last time I was at that weight, this time I certainly have better eating and lifestyle habits that I won’t be starting at square one. And unlike last time, I’ll have been growing a person, which is pretty awesome.
Admittedly it’s recognizing that this is all for a better purpose that it’s made eating cherry pie a bit easier.
(PS – Scott will be writing a bit about becoming a father at his own blog if you’d like to follow along.)
I love this post. I feel like I could have written it myself. In retrospect, I was being way too hard on myself during that first trimester – I had this idea that I was going to remain active, and eat well, but in fact I was so tired I fell asleep putting on my gym shoes, and the sight of produce made me gag. Peanut butter sandwiches on squishy white bread kept me alive for ages.
It’s like this huge secret no one tells you ahead of time: even if you really, really want to be pregnant, it’s still tough. It’s hard to watch your body become vastly different, to be so exhausted, to be sick, to be cranky. It’s OK to not be thrilled with all of it. You are not alone. Hell, I haven’t even worked up the energy to fill out the baby book…not a candidate for Mother of the Year here!
I had to smile when I read about people asking you about the nursery themes-our theme was to buy a crib and changing table, and put it in the baby’s room. Babies really don’t care about themes, and if you don’t either-I wouldn’t even think twice about it.
It must be awful to be sick day after day, with no end in sight. I can’t even imagine how I would have gotten through that. You need much kudos for even making it to work! I’m so glad that you think you might be over the worst of it-I’m sending good thoughts your way.
I could have written this during my first miserable pregnancy. The naseau never subsided, I was exhausted, had awful heartburn…I could go on and on. And you’re right, all anyone wants to hear is that you’re excited and feel great. My sister-in-law, who was pregnant at the same time, used to say that she “loved being pregnant” and I would wonder if we were even the same species. The misery didn’t extend to parenthood, though! And I’m pregnant again, and feel fabulous this time, go figure.
Go easy on yourself – not everyone has easy pregnancies and it’s okay to be a little depressed and miserable, even if you end up mostly keeping it to yourself.
I agree and you’ve said it well – even though your child is so longed-for, and will be very appreciated when she is here, being pregnant is HARD for most women. It’s physically and mentally draining. And it’s okay to complain about it; it does not take away from your love of your child in any way. If anything, it adds to it, since you are giving her such a labor of love.
(I know that it’s all you can do to get through the day right now, but if you ever were thinking ahead to labor and birth, the childbirth educator in me feels compelled to comment that you can email me any time.
“All the world wants you to do” doesn’t mean shit. Hang in there, lady.
A friend of mine had her baby girl in April and hated pregnancy. She decided to think of it as air travel. You don’t go on vacation so you can get felt up at security, sit uncomfortably for hours, and stress about your luggage getting to where you’re going. It’s just what you have to deal with to get to the awesomeness on the other side.
I like that. I haven’t gone through it yet, but I’m holding onto that analogy in case my version also sucks.
I could have written this blog post. I also was pregnant with a girl and my first trimester was just awful. I threw up daily, often at work, and could only tolerate eating simple carbs. (Bagels were my mainstay.) Food made me nauseous. Hunger made me nauseous. Coffee made me nauseous. It was really, really hard. But it really did get better in the second trimester, and even though it got worse in the third trimester, there was a baby bump and the excitement of the pending arrival to get me through. Hang in there. It really is a hard slog, in a way that the cute “morning sickness” jokes never prepared me for.
Also, no one really cares about nursery stuff/etc. It’s just something to talk about. Don’t let that trouble you for a second.
Thank you for your honesty. I was no fan of being pregnant, either. I was expecting my daughter when my sister-in-law had my twin nieces, and she just went on and on about loving being pregnant (even through bed rest!), and when I said I really didn’t like it and was ready to be done with it (not to be confused with being ready for the baby, which is a whole separate issue), she looked at me like I’d kicked her puppy. But it was true, and to this day I’ll still own that feeling. You’re not alone, not by a long shot. And you’re doing great.
I’m sorry to hear your first trimester was so rough, but I’m glad it’s getting better. I hope it continues to improve so you can have enough energy to enjoy things like decorating the nursery and all that.
However, thank you for sharing this! It seems about half of my friends have super-easy magazine-style pregnancies, and the other half have horrible nine-month long battles with their bodies. If it sucks? You are totally allowed to say that it sucks, in my book. I think it’s important to get that side of it out there, too. I enjoy hearing it, so at least if it happens to me when that time rolls around I’ll know that it’s totally normal.
First, Erin – congratulations – I’ve been meaning to say that for at least a week or so now.
Second of all – I SO can relate to what you’re going through – and you’re certainly entitled to feel that way. I remember a particularly bad day during my first week of what I called NIGHT sickness (always built up all day till the barfing started at about
where I hadn’t eaten in a week, couldn’t keep food down, and was staring down the barrel of yet another grueling performance onstage – I literally lay on my kitchen floor and sobbed, I was so miserable! I feel ya. Lost 10 lbs my first trimester and even after the nausea eased off it took awhile to get my real appetite back.
It does get a lot better…at least, the second trimester is ok if the sickness goes away and feeling the little one move is awesome. You’ll also probably feel better when temperatures cool off. But who knows? Each woman is different.
The people that have nursery THEMES? Are you kidding me? I think motherhood is a little insane these days. We moved when I was 6 months along so I considered it a major accomplishment to get the baby’s room painted, furniture bought, and his baby things purchased. There still isn’t much on the wall in his room, but I don’t think he really cares, and we’re not home much anyways with my work travel. You’ll find the energy for it later on, and if you don’t it’s ok too. I did get totally crazy manic and into nesting in the last trimester…but then would drop from exhaustion. It is a crazy journey, and it can be a really rough one. One year later, though, I can hardly remember what it felt like – even though it feels like you’ve been pregnant FOREVER when you are in the middle of it all.
Hang in there!
That weird bit up there was supposed to say “the barfing started about eight” meaning 8 PM. I guess an 8 and parenthesis mark together make a smiley face? Whoops!
Although i haven’t been pregnant, i really appreciate hearing experiences like yours. It isn’t all roses and cupcakes–this shit is hard! I know a lot of women that haven’t had great pregnancies but wouldn’t let themselves really talk about it because somehow it’s not appropriate. It’s as if you need to be glowing and joyous throughout because that’s what society wants to hear. I know when I do get pregnant, I’ll have a much better picture of what I’m getting into because of women like you who have the balls to just say “i know the end result is worth it but sometimes this just sucks!”
I totally understand what you mean about smells. Last night I had to send my dinner back at a restaurant because it looked gross to me because it was prepared incorrectly. Then the chicken itself was tough. I asked just for a salad instead since everyone else in my party was almost done eating. Stupid move. It came with white onions all over it that smelled so awful I couldn’t keep the plate near me.
It really is crazy how each pregnancy is different. Last time around for me I could eat almost anything but mint. I craved hot foods like jalapenos. This time still no mint but I can’t go near anything spicy.
I hope the 2nd trimester does have things turn around for you some. There were certain things in the 2nd semester that I just loved. Nothing is as amazing as when you feel the baby start to move. For me, it made all the other symptoms I had totally worth it.
Being pregnant (for some people) is a lot like going through cancer treatment – pee a lot, get constipated, deal with nausea, don’t want to eat anything, only want to eat starchy carby stuff, exhausted all the time, achy and run down. I’m in the middle of chemo, and I have so much in common with my pregnant friends that I sometimes wonder how our species still exists. Of course, you get a baby at the end, which is awesome, but damn, the process sucks!
I’ve had three daughters and 3 horrible first-trimester experiences. I went through exactly the same thing. I cried at night (when the puking started after the day long build up) because I didn’t think I could take another day. I lost a lot of weight and ate weird things. I stopped grocery shopping and in the beginning of the 3rd pregnancy, we moved from Hawaii to the East Coast. I did not pack anything. We hired out and I sprawled on the couch and did not care what the movers must have thought. I’m not sure how I took care of the other kids. I ate crap, if I ate. It ended in the 2nd trimester and all was roses and unicorns after that. I was no wilting flower, either…I ran marathons! I was young! I kicked ass.. but not in my first trimester. One of the dirty secrets of motherhood, I guess…
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I can relate.
I had a great pregnancy, almost no nausea, went to the gym into my seventh month and swimming till the last day… and STILL I prefer the state of not pregnant to that of pregnant, if you see what I mean. As you said, being pregnant is good because at the end you have a child – that’s the point of it! Having said that, in the later stages, when I started feeling the kicks and being able to almost grab a foot or a hand while the baby moved about in my tummy… that was very cool. I found tha body image issues also got better later into the pregnancy, because by then it was clear that it wasn’t just extra fat around my tummy. And if you are able to breastfeed you will lose all the extra weight in no time after the pregnancy – producing milk takes a lot of energy (and gives you very nice breasts until it lasts)!
Aw, bless.
Like so many of the other commenters, I so exactly know how you FEEL! I’m 4.5 months pregnant, and even though it DID get easier about the 4 month mark, I still do NOT like being pregnant one little bit. I cannot wait to meet our child, but this pregnancy stuff is for the birds! Just wanted to let you know that I’m right there with you on this!!!
I’ve had a relatively easy pregnancy so far, but it’s still no fun, especially for those of us who have worked really hard at our fitness and been careful about what we eat! I’m sure you get a million recommendations on all kinds of things, but I’ve found prenatal yoga to be extremely helpful for my mind and body right now. The classes are gentle, you get to oggle other bumps, and chat with other moms to be. It really just helps you get in the right frame of mind, let go of some of the control issues, and appreciate your body (at a time when it seems to be rebelling). Anyway, I think you would appreciate it, it can be frustrating to do mild forms of ‘old’ workout routines I think, and it’s a nice alternative. However, I do recommend you wait until you can bend over comfortably without getting nauseated
Easier said then done, I know.
I had a similar experience (not physically) when we were waiting for our adopted daughter to come home. Everyone expected us to be over the moon excited, buying lots of stuff, etc. We were terrified something would fall through at the last minute after all the disappointments we’d had, and we bought nothing except the absolute basics: cribs, diapers, one outfit when I let myself believe it would happen. Not being excited about the process takes people aback, but it is what it is. I was excited enough for twenty when she actually got here!
Pregnancy can be tough and you are doing your best to get through it. I hated being pregnant. I hid my pregnancy at work for a variety of reasons I can’t go into here. It was difficult to explain my nausea and afternoon fade outs. I work at a school so we left for the summer and I came back with a baby. I felt like all I did was work, sleep, try to find something I would want to eat,and pee. I was scared to death I would not love my baby or enjoy being a mom because I disliked pregnancy so much. I was so worried about that. I was very lucky because I loved my son from the moment I saw him. Something clicked. Motherhood isn’t always easy but at least that part worked for me.
Don’t worry about nursery or baby ‘stuff’. You can actually ‘outsource’ that to someone who likes doing that sort of thing. Have them come up with some choices for you online.
I hope things get better and that you get a break from feeling crappy.
First of all – congratulations!!
I’ve never commented before, but I’ve followed you for years, and always love to read your posts. I also have a thyroid condition, struggled for awhile with fertility issues, and am now pregnant for the first time at 36. I understand exactly what you’re saying about how difficult this is, and how no one can prepare you for how you’re going to feel – physically or emotionally. I’ve been lucky in that my symptoms have been relatively mild, but now that I’ve reached 14 weeks, I’ve actually started to get sick and the exhaustion has set in full-force. I thought it was supposed to end now!!
It’s hard to be constantly excited when you’re trying to figure out how to get through the day, and whether something you’re feeling is ‘normal’ or not. No one told me either that it would be such a scary ride! So many questions, concerns, and yes, hopes and dreams for the baby. I hope everything continues to work out for you, and that you start to feel better each day. All the best to you! Thanks for putting your feelings into words – obviously many of us here can relate!
I know you’ve had enough comments over this alas…the truth is in the beginning it sucks! Both pregnancy and mothering with bursts of wonderful. The Mothering part evolves into wonderful with bursts of suck. .. . And the Belly! It’s just horrible jiggle right now but you are going to be so proud of your big beautiful belly- and there is nothing more empowering in terms of body image then feeling the power of your body : ) So says this seasoned Mother to an 8 month old.
My first trimester was *exactly* like this. Exactly. It was awful and I still don’t know how I made it through and kept onto my job. And every time I talked to my mother, she’d squeal, “Aren’t you SO EXCITED?!?!” and was disappointed when I would say, “Not really, I can’t think about anything right now except how awful I feel.” It was honestly so bad that getting pregnant again scares me, even though for the 2nd and 3rd trimester things were mostly ok. And the second time around I’ll have a kid running around at my ankles, so… bleh.
I sympathize about the body stuff, too. I really do. It was hard to see the numbers on the scale when I went to the OB’s office.
Pregnancy is just the process — and it’s ok if you are miserable while pregnant. It won’t have any effect on your parenting abilities or skills.
A longtime reader here, just chiming in to say my experience was similar and, at the risk of sounding terribly corny, as soon as I had that baby in my arms, it all paled into insignificance. That’s not to say that I’m eager to do it again though; I threw up every day until my daughter was born, and lived on a diet of boiled potatoes and ice(even drinking water was disgusting). Oh, that first meal after she was born was bliss!
Best of luck, and I do agree that you can dislike pregnancy and still enjoy being a parent.
My experience was very similar with both of my pregnancies. I was so sick and had no energy. I lost a ton of weight and was dehydrated. I managed it better with my second pregnancy by loading up on Gatorade (red only please) but the last few weeks of my first trimester with Charlotte (my first child) my doctor forced me to start drinking Ensure. Ugh.
Also, the only things I could tolerate during Charlotte’s first trimester: grapefruit, yogurt (occasionally), maple-brown sugar instant oatmeal, and watermelon. With Sam: scrambled eggs (sometimes), buttered toast, and popcorn. Weird.
I did go on to enjoy most of the rest of both pregnancies (you know, aside from the heartburn and jimmy legs) but the pregnancy-industrial-complex idea that it’s all magical and chirping birds and butterflies is pretty much BS.