…the heavens parted, the angels sung, and I managed to eat an apple.
Consuming fruit that is not surrounded by a flaky pastry feels like a victory to me these days.
I was noticing signs of the second-trimester awesomeness when I was in New York, but they seemed to fade. Plus, I was fighting a cold last week and the nausea came and went in waves with just enough momentum that there was no way I was throwing up my hands in thanks and praise for the passage of time. But then. THEN.
Friday I went home from work a couple of hours early to sleep and try and get rid of the cold for good. I took it easy all night and when I woke up on Saturday? I wrote a blog post, put away laundry, had breakfast, went to the mall and my nephew’s baptism. The next day I cleaned out my entire pantry, the refrigerator, did four loads of laundry, went to a party and ATE REAL FOOD. Also? We bought groceries.
Buying groceries became an exercise in futility. Each time I watched that commercial that pokes fun at folks who let food go to waste, I felt as though they were mocking me. Oh the amount of food we had to toss in the first couple of weeks in this pregnancy. Nothing sounded good, let alone what sounded good to me at the grocery store two days earlier. We ate out for almost every single meal. And even then the word “eating” should be applied loosely.
One afternoon, I asked for a chicken sandwich from a specific restaurant here in Chicago. Scott jumped in the car and went to secure it for me. I took one bite, declared it “gross” and threw it away.
Oh but now. Now the idea of food does not gross me out. The idea of healthy food does not gross me out. I feel as though I’m no longer inhabited by a very picky 13-year-old teenager who only wants to consume food wrapped in a starched and, possibly, served up with a side of some sort of potato. Of course now I’m hungry with a capital H, but that’s OK. Because I purchased whole-wheat crackers and cheese! I have yogurt! I have fruit! And I’m looking forward to consuming them all!
I have to be careful that all of this new-found verve for life doesn’t overwhelm me – twice now I’ve had to actually lie down because I became flat-out dizzy from all of the cleaning and organizing. The exhaustion still hasn’t completely abated. I’m partially convinced that has something to do with knowing that now I can open my pantry and it not only does not make me want to ralph from the combination of the smells, but also because it has been organized within an inch of its life. I mean, Sunday? I organized the plastic bins in our basement. I’m on a roll!
Better yet, I walked into work yesterday in a great mood, happy to greet whatever challenge faced me. I wasn’t at all distracted and consumed by the feeling of constant sickness and since I finally made it out to buy some maternity clothes, I didn’t spend the majority of my day pulling and grappling with my cobbled-together wardrobe. Yesterday my friends mentioned that I finally looked pregnant.
You’re all so sweet to remind me how very much not alone I was in my feeling that pregnancy is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s helpful, and is making me appreciate how I’m feeling right now even more. It’s true that I really do have the space in my brain to think about how many good things are headed our way. I don’t want to claw out the next person who asks me if I’m excited about our daughter. I still don’t want to squee and fawn over it, but at least I can muster a smile and a gracious “thank you” and have it be a genuine expression of how I feel.
