Today the moment Scott walked in the door I handed Abigail to him.
Oh, yesterday. Yesterday I felt like the Queen of New Mothers, even though we’d slept an hour longer than we should have, even though she spit up a couple of ounces of formula all over me and her Boppy, even though as I made my way down Bell on our daily walk I knew that this feeling, this invincibility, this peace, this calm, this full belly because I’d managed to eat something for every meal and so did Abigail, was fleeting. I knew that this was the lesson in parenting – it is forever shifting, it is like the waves hitting the shoreline.
You can never, ever count on it to be the same thing each time. I know this already and I have only been a mom for three weeks.
And so today, even having coordinated efforts with Scott so that I could start the day in a clean pair of yoga pants and coffee before he caught the 8 a.m. train, it all came to pass. Abigail, oh poor Abigail. The wailing. The fidgeting. The rapid-fire, vibrating chin in concert with her lower lip that might as well have just been a dagger to my poor, inexperienced, ignorant heart. Well, I take that back. I knew what was wrong. I did. It wasn’t that she was necessarily hungry, though she was, and I’m learning that when my girl is hungry she will devour anything in her path. Soon it will come back up, so I’ve tried to slow down her feedings to avoid Mt. St. Abigail. I knew that she was probably a little gassy, but not overly so. I knew her diapers had been maintained appropriately, and really, she might have been tired, but …
I looked down at her and hugged her close at each wail, explaining that it was perfectly fine to be having a shit day, and that she was entitled since she has so much going on in that brain of hers and, really, everyone gets to have a bad day. Even babies.
All that worked, all she wanted, was for me to hold her and move. And so I did. For hours today. In the Sleepy Wrap. Slumped over my arm. Cuddled on my chest into a ball. I rocked on the exercise ball. I climbed three flights of stairs. I swayed and bounced. I talked her to sleep, when it came. The longest pocket today was about an hour, though she’s currently nestled in Scott’s arms and has been for about that long now.
My friend Cinnamon told me, almost from the moment we found out we were pregnant, that it was OK for me to be pissed off at my kid. I love that I have women in my life who give me permission to be a less-than-perfect person, especially a less-than-perfect mother. Here’s the funny thing: I was never pissed off at Abigail. All day long, I wished she would have slept more soundly, wished it would have lasted more than 30 minutes at a time and not on my right forearm, and maybe while I was sitting, not walking through every room of our home. I wished for a lot of those things today. And I was pissed that none of them happened, and I was pissed that sunshine and roses wasn’t in the cards for us today.
And when I saw Scott making his way up the street from the train, I readied her bottle, let him take off his coat, and handed her over to him.
Today I ate lunch. And I napped with her for 15 minutes during one of her rare sleeping spells. I gave her a bath and changed her outfit. I cleaned bottles. Even before Scott left, I managed to get some bills ready to be mailed, the dishwasher emptied and my contacts in. Two weeks ago, that never would have happened. When the women in my life – and oh, they are so many and so wonderful and you’re all counted in that group because I do not know what I would do without all of my Internet Mamas – implored me to believe them when they said, “It will get better,” I assumed it would be in a few months, not in a few weeks.
And, no, it is still not easy. And yes, I still wonder where my old life is and whether I will ever see the insides of a restaurant again, to say nothing of a night in bed with my husband, just sleeping side-by-side together and waking up the same.
(Oh God, I miss my husband so much. And I’m with him every day, but, you know, it’s different now. It doesn’t help that since having Abigail I’ve only managed to fall more in love with him than I ever thought possible.)
But oh. It’s easier. It is. I am doing OK. I will have more yesterdays. I will have more todays. I will be a good mother to Abigail on both, and I might just hand her off to her father at the end of it and then prattle on and on at my blog.
But it will get better.
And there will even be really fun days!! (I’m at 10 weeks with #3)
I remember missing my husband so much those first few weeks, not just because he got promoted 3 days before our son was born and got 80 hour workweeks as a result. My Mom or Dad would take the “first shift” of the night, and I’d try to sleep 3 hours or so before he woke up. I’d beg my husband to come snuggle with me as I fell asleep, and often, that was our only time together alone those first few weeks – that was hard, but I have fond memories of those cuddles nonetheless. I was so wired and anxious and sleep-deprived all at the same time that the only way I could relax and fall asleep was with my husband to snuggle. Whatever works!
It will only get better though – the mamas are right about that, as you already know! That seems like so long ago now, and my little boy is 17 months old tomorrow. Last night I held a newborn and was just marveling at his tiny-ness and how quickly it has all gone. It kind of breaks your heart as it happens, even as you marvel at the new things they are learning and doing.
Best advice ever from an older cousin’s wife? If you are feeling overwhelmed and the kid won’t stop crying (and you’re perhaps missing lunch with friends, etc). Take a minute. Put the baby in the crib, bassinet, what have you. Go outside on your front lawn and breathe in the fresh air (works best when it isn’t raining ;P)…maybe walk a minute or two and look at the flowers or plants.
Now? Go back in. Chances are good that they are still crying. Hopefully, you feel a little refreshed and you know they were safe.
Hang in there. It definitely does get better. I always tell my newly pregnant friends that the first month after you have the baby just sucks, but after that everything settles down and it gets much, much better. They all look at me funny when I say that but it definitely does suck. I mean, you’re happy and all about the baby, but the no sleep, crying, getting adjusted period just kinda sucks. I had a spit upper too, and the doctor told me that after she ate (formula fed btw) to hold her upright/at about a 90 degree angle for about an hour after she eats. He explained that sometimes the valve in their little stomach that keeps stuff from coming back up is still a little underdeveloped when they are first born and it takes it a while to develop enough to stop the formula from coming back up. Made sense to me at the time. Could have been total BS. LOL
Sounds like to me you are doing a fabulous job getting into this mommy thing, and I have no doubts that you are a great mother already! I know everyone says it but treasure these times anyway because once you have kids, time just flies. My girls are 4 and 8 now.
I’m just impressed that you’re actually taking walks. I can barely manage that NOW.
have you tried some gripe water? it might help. You are taking it in stride, sounds like she is a tough cookie- but you are too. You’ll make it!
I just cried a little. I know what you mean about missing Scott. I told my husband last night that I can’t wait for the time to come when he and I can sleep in the same bed and actually you know – snuggle. It’s been months because I was uncomfortable and a zillion degrees warm all the time. Now it’s because I’m only comfortable in the recliner. He moved an air mattress out to be near me and the pack’n'play where Jack sleeps at night now because its the best temporary set up for us. So he’s nearby… but I miss him a ton.
On the other hand one of my favorite things next to watching our new son in amazement is watching him with his dad. There is nothing more amazing than that.
The best thing is that it will keep getting better, better than this even. There was for me, and most of my mama friends, a real turning point at six weeks when the kid seems to settle into this universe a little better and starts smiling and just gets easier.
You are doing great so far.
You are doing an amazing job! It’s funny- I used to feel a sense of major accomplishment if all my clients were thrilled and I made an extremely complicated recipe. Now if laundry is folded, and I don’t have indigestion from eating on the fly, I’m like GO ME! Everything settles into a rhythm, and life goes on and she will be more comfortable in her little body and you’ll get better and better at reading her (then she’ll change something up and throw you for a loop, but that’ll be part of the rhythm). I’m extremely fortunate with my daycare situation- grandparents, but it was odd when I went back to work. Missed the twins, then didn’t – but felt guilty, and now, really appreciate my time without kiddos-I’ve never been more productive. And love my time with them. (for the most part- I gotta say- they can be annoying – but they don’t ever piss me off. I’m sure that will change). I look back at the early days, and everything does get so much easier. Until they are mobile, so I hear. Enjoy spring and getting out, and the happy moments with your girl.
You are doing an awesome job, and even better, you have a really good perspective on things. Even at 11 months out, it can be hard for me to come to grips with the bad days. I’m such a perfectionist that I want every day with the baby to be great…or at least good. Obviously, life doesn’t work that way! It only took a baby to teach me that
But I want to echo everything that everyone is saying about how it will get better (in general). By 4-6 weeks, you’ve been through enough types of “days” with the baby that you are relatively (if not “perfectly”) well-equipped to handle what she throws your way. I also read something in Dr. Oz’s parenting book about how it takes until about the 4-month mark for a baby to get the grip of a routine. Of course, I read that AFTER my child turned 4 months old!! I know personally, I was working way too hard try to get my baby into a routine before that point, thinking that I was doing the best thing…only to find out that I was probably fighting against the nature of a newborn in that effort. Oh well, we live, we learn.
Thanks as always for writng with honesty!!
One more thing I thought of, re the sleeping situation. With our first one for the first couple weeks, we did the whole pack n play sleeping thing, with one of us sleeping on the floor beside it and one in the recliner or the bed. It was awful. But she wouldn’t sleep in her crib! Then, it finally occurred to me to try a bassinet. Got one of those and put it right beside my bed. I could literally lay in bed and keep one hand on her to soothe her/make sure she was breathing/sleeping/ok, etc. It worked out great and I actually started to get some sleep at night and so did she. I was always terrified to put the baby in the bed with me. So that was definitely the next best thing for us.
It does get better, in small ways and then in big ways. Personally I think it gets better at two weeks, six weeks, twelve weeks and six months. I can totally remember my husband saying “good night” and going up the stairs and I just burst into tears. I didn’t want him to go get some rest so he could take a shift later, I wanted to watch tv! And go to bed at the same time! It’s such a hard time, really, the hardest. Time heals everything, it’s true!
Another thing to remember is that parenting happens for the duration of your child’s life, and maybe the newborn stage is just not one that matches well with your personality. I hated the newborn stage — the hormones, the sleep deprivation, the helplessness. She was cute, but mostly it sucked. I am a much better parent now that my daughter is eight, but I enjoy it less than I did when she was six. There’s a reason every parent’s mantra is This Too Shall Pass.
It gets better every day. And then it gets harder, and better again. Over and over.
Before I delivered, a very wise friend told me that as long as I got one thing done per day– just one– that didn’t have anything to do with baby care, I was winning. I really held on to that in the first four or five weeks. Some days, literally all I accomplished was a shower and a thank-you note, and I let myself feel triumphant over those small things.
It just gets better and better.cherish every moment.
It sounds like your doing a great job, especially if you let Scott take off his coat before you handed kiddo over (I’ve had days where my husband didn’t even get that much time to himself when he walked in the door!). What I’ve found really helpful (my Boy is 13 weeks now, but this was even more important under 6 weeks old) is my husband gets up an hour before he has to leave for work and that hour in the morning is my time to get ready for the day, eat my breakfast without being bothered, take a shower and put on clean clothes, I even blow out my hair every few days so I can go to the store and not feel like a complete mess. It’s made a huge difference to my peace of mind when I have to be alone all day, especially when kiddo won’t sleep/won’t stop crying/can’t be put down. Going through those things without my breakfast and shower would put me over the edge I think! Just a little pocket of quiet sanity in the morning
And yesyesyes to sometimes you don’t like your kid. Last night this little one would have gone down the river in a basket if I could have collected my wits together enough to find a basket at 2am. He’s a great sleeper generally so when he goes off schedule and wants to play in the middle of the night I have a really hard time adjusting!
There were moments when my son was an infant that I felt like I missed my old life so much it hurt. Like, it physically hurt. Honestly, sometimes I still miss it (not that I would trade it back – blah blah blah) but not with that intense physical pain and not in the same way. The thing that saved my life in the beginning was finding a mom’s group — it’s kind of a cliche, but it really really helped me.