1) We are hitting a stride. I won’t say it’s “the” stride or “our” stride, just that a stride has been established. And while we know strides are subject to change on a dime when it comes to a newborn, I’d wager it’s a safe bet that new parents, when they realize that they’re managing OK, for more than an hour on end, feel the sort of relief that we’re feeling now, which is that we’re not going to totally screw up this tiny human being.
And that we know how to properly change her diaper.
2) The human body is a weird thing. About five days ago, it dawned on Scott and I that I was substantially smaller all of a sudden. The next morning, I stepped on the scale and it revealed I was only 12 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Now, that’s just a number, because when we found out we were pregnant I was taking boot camp classes every morning before work, and right now I can assure you: I now understand why women get tummy tucks. Just the same, I’m mystified by how quickly things can change when it comes to the body and pregnancy.
I can also wear my wedding ring again, which makes me obscenely happy.
3) Our kid is doing OK. When she was born, she clocked in at 8 lbs, 7 oz. BIG BABY, right? Within days her weight dropped beyond the “normal” or “acceptable” range, which is about 10 percent. I’m not yet ready to write all about what may have contributed to this – Oh, supplementing! Oh, breastfeeding! Oh, well-intended hospital staff members! Oh, thyroid disease and breast width! – but it’s made for some incredibly stressful moments around here. She’s almost back up to her birth weight, but even more importantly, she’s a happier kid. The fine-tuning that has been going on around here has been intense.
4) I am OK. The following statements have either coursed through my brain or been stated to my husband:
“Why did I do this?”
“I am not cut out for this.”
“I want to walk out the door right now.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
No one will tell you these are abnormal statements for a Mama to make – And if they do, well, they’re assholes. Don’t listen to them. - but oh how they feel so earth-shatteringly painful just the same. I hate that we call this stage the “Baby Blues” because it feels much more intense than that, even when you know it’s the hormones talking. And the lack of sleep. And the baby who won’t go to sleep oh God, why won’t she go to sleep? I am grateful for Scott, who let me say these things out loud to him, and never once judged me or chastised me or even said it’ll pass. He just listened and told me to tell him these things and then let me cry and cry and cry, hugged me, took Abigail, and let me sleep unencumbered, even if it was just for 20 minutes.
Making some adjustments to how we parent and care for Abigail has helped this cloud to lift, as she’s eating a sufficient amount and sleeping likewise. She’s an entirely new kid now, to be frank, and while she still fusses and cries, she actually sleeps for REAL two-hour stretches right now. Which means I feel like less of an awful mother, everyone is getting pockets of sleep and I don’t dread the sun setting as I did before this, triggering anxiety the likes of which I haven’t experienced in years.
And I really am enjoying our daughter. Oh I like her so much.
5) Smartest thing I did was stockpile meals. People with babies on the way: DO THIS. Ask people to do this for you if necessary. We are going on Week Two and still have plenty of meals from which to eat. I was cooking and prepping meals nine months pregnant, on a barstool, bellied up to the stove because I couldn’t stand. But it was worth it. It has been one less thing for us to contend with each day.
6) Parents are wonderful. Last weekend, Scott’s dad and stepmom and grandpa came over, armed with dinner and presents. With enough leftover for meals later. Last night my parents came over with corned beef, potatoes and cabbage. I wasn’t prepared for how life-affirming and joyful having them be here would be. I suppose knowing that the people who raised you through this stage think you’re doing OK, and will remind you to leave the damn house and stop acting like you’ve just given birth to a bomb that will go off if you deviate from any plan and, say, yes, leave the house, is what we needed.
7) It’s probably just a combination of gas and our sleep-deprived delusion, but we’re convinced Abigail is working on smiling.
That’s it for the moment. More soon. Today we’re hoping to take an inaugural walk around the neighborhood in the stroller. I’ve never been so excited for a walk in my life.
Erin: Thanks for being so honest about your journey of new motherhood–the delightful, the hard, the regretful moments. For me, the first year of motherhood had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I suddenly had to reinvent almost every aspect of my life–my time, my house, my body, my marriage, my sleep patterns, my free time(!), my clothes, my time with friends,etc. Keep up the authentic reporting on your experience–you’ve got lots of us rooting for you and your new family of 3.
The fact that you tell your husband how you feel and that he does not judge you is the greatest gift you can have at this time. I held all that in cause I wanted to appear to be the perfect mother and the result was bad.
A walk around the block can be the best part of the day. Try to get out once a day. Fresh air is amazing for momma and baby.
First: Abigail is so cute, and yes, she does look like you. And I am so glad to read your last few posts and hear that you’re starting to find a rhythm. As clueless first-time expectant parents, we are totally wondering how on earth we’ll do it when the time comes.
Stockpiling meals? We are definitely going to do this when it’s time. The way we divide up cooking is that I do all the in-advance stuff and my husband does the “what have we got in the fridge?” cooking, but I was already thinking that preparation was the smartest plan.
By the way, that post about picking Abigail’s name… my husband did exactly the same as Scott with every girl’s name I suggested. We now know we’re having a boy and are no nearer to picking a name, though, since we have four or five options we both like but no standout choice. We’ve still got four months to make our minds up!
Yay for the little milestones!
I can say that in my personal experience, taking milk thistle (an herbal supplement) made a world of difference in my “baby blues” (I also detest that term). I did my research and made the decision in conjunction with my care provider, but of course, it might not be appropriate for you. I thought I would put it out there just in case you wanted to look into it… I forget exactly how it works but it was something about allowing your body (liver?) to release the accumulated hormones and be able to secrete them so they were no longer in your system to cause the crappy depressed feelings.
I hope you had a great walk.
Oh, and I also think that people are full of BS when they say that babies smiling is only gas. It’s not. They do smile for real. And oh, what gratification it is for the hard work of parenting!!
You know how Holly Golightly talks about the “mean reds?” That is exactly what I was thinking of the first few weeks after TJ was born. Totally not the same thing as the Baby Blues, you know? We couldn’t get out after he was born (freaking winter), but when we were able to do it, it helped a bit. Just remember what Joanne says – parenthood is definitely a spiral. You’re doing great!
Two-hour stretches! Hallelujah!!
I also would like to thank you for being honest. It is refreshing to hear about the rough spots and how the good spots shine in as well. I wish I had been able to read this when my baby was brand new…I would have felt a LOT better and a lot less alone.
If you ever feel like it, I would like to read more about your breastfeeding starting-off experience. My “adventures in trying to breastfeed” sound a lot like yours. I also had an unplanned c-section (with its attendant not-being-able-to-breastfeed right after birth, and a very achy and tired mama on meds). I also had a healthy-sized baby (9+ lbs) who lost 10 percent of his weight soon after birth, which led to me supplementing a bit and then exclusively pumping–worth it for him to get the breastmilk, but crazy hard for me! Eventually I moved to exclusively formula (a bummer, but what did I expect exclusively pumping?). Anyway, I would really like to exclusively breastfeed the next time around if I am lucky enough to have one, so to hear how another mother made it through the early trenches would be just wonderful.
I think you already know this but just in case, what you’re feeling is totally normal. I said, out loud, to my husband several times in the first few weeks that I really think we had screwed up by deciding to have a kid. That we must have been crazy because now we were never going to leave the house again or do anything fun or have any time to ourselves. And I don’t even think it was hormones or baby blues or any of that because I was totally lucid and not depressed, it was just really that hard and confusing. BTW, I think breastfeeding, if you have any complications at all, makes it so much harder. (I stuck it out for one year, FWIW, but I still think that).
My kid is now 2.5 and I’ve always loved him, even in those first few weeks, but he’s actually FUN now. And I get to do all kinds of things for myself. I know you know but just to reinforce, it gets so much easier and the first six weeks are just brutal, so just hang in there! For me, a switch flipped at six weeks and it was just a whole new day. For some of my friends, it took a little longer but by 3 months, I think almost everyone is out of the fog.
You have amazing perspective for someone in the throes of new motherhood!!
Your No. 4 above really hit home with me. One night when Jack was very, very small, he’d been awake forever and it was 4:30 AM and I’d been up no less than 6 times that night breastfeeding him. I finally put him in his crib squalling and was ready to get my keys and drive off into the night wearing only my robe when my husband appeared to take the next shift. But it really does get better – he’s already half a year old and I regularly get entire 5-hour stretches of sleep (which would have horrified pre-mommahood me, but post-mommahood realizes is the BEST THING EVER).
I hope your walk was wonderful!
I will never forget when Alex was two weeks old and one of my best friends from childhood came to visit. She had a 16 month old at the time. The husbands went to pick up dinner and while we were alone I said, “Oh, Jill I love him SO much, but this is SO hard and sometimes I just think, ‘Why did we do this? Why didn’t we wait? What have I done to my life?’ Did you ever feel this way or am I awful?!” I will never forget my friend laughing the kind of laugh that makes your head fall back, and she said, “Only every God D@#$ day of the first year of his life!!!!”
It sounds crazy, but I instantly felt better and “snaped out of it!”
And the fear of sunset? The memory never leaves you! We were just talking about this a few weeks ago, at a baby shower of all things! It’s the worst, and it still makes my stomach turn thinking about it, but before you know it, it’s over. I literally wrote myself a letter when I was pregnant with Meredith reminding myself that it would get better.
That didn’t prevent me from yelling at her when she was a whopping five days old and telling her it was “ridiculous that she wasn’t sleeping any better than she was” and putting her in her bouncy seat to sleep alone in her room!
Not a proud moment, but she’s no worse for the wear and was absolutely the most delightful baby there ever was, once she learned to sleep.