1) We are hitting a stride. I won’t say it’s “the” stride or “our” stride, just that a stride has been established. And while we know strides are subject to change on a dime when it comes to a newborn, I’d wager it’s a safe bet that new parents, when they realize that they’re managing OK, for more than an hour on end, feel the sort of relief that we’re feeling now, which is that we’re not going to totally screw up this tiny human being.
And that we know how to properly change her diaper.
2) The human body is a weird thing. About five days ago, it dawned on Scott and I that I was substantially smaller all of a sudden. The next morning, I stepped on the scale and it revealed I was only 12 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Now, that’s just a number, because when we found out we were pregnant I was taking boot camp classes every morning before work, and right now I can assure you: I now understand why women get tummy tucks. Just the same, I’m mystified by how quickly things can change when it comes to the body and pregnancy.
I can also wear my wedding ring again, which makes me obscenely happy.
3) Our kid is doing OK. When she was born, she clocked in at 8 lbs, 7 oz. BIG BABY, right? Within days her weight dropped beyond the “normal” or “acceptable” range, which is about 10 percent. I’m not yet ready to write all about what may have contributed to this – Oh, supplementing! Oh, breastfeeding! Oh, well-intended hospital staff members! Oh, thyroid disease and breast width! – but it’s made for some incredibly stressful moments around here. She’s almost back up to her birth weight, but even more importantly, she’s a happier kid. The fine-tuning that has been going on around here has been intense.
4) I am OK. The following statements have either coursed through my brain or been stated to my husband:
“Why did I do this?”
“I am not cut out for this.”
“I want to walk out the door right now.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
No one will tell you these are abnormal statements for a Mama to make – And if they do, well, they’re assholes. Don’t listen to them. – but oh how they feel so earth-shatteringly painful just the same. I hate that we call this stage the “Baby Blues” because it feels much more intense than that, even when you know it’s the hormones talking. And the lack of sleep. And the baby who won’t go to sleep oh God, why won’t she go to sleep? I am grateful for Scott, who let me say these things out loud to him, and never once judged me or chastised me or even said it’ll pass. He just listened and told me to tell him these things and then let me cry and cry and cry, hugged me, took Abigail, and let me sleep unencumbered, even if it was just for 20 minutes.
Making some adjustments to how we parent and care for Abigail has helped this cloud to lift, as she’s eating a sufficient amount and sleeping likewise. She’s an entirely new kid now, to be frank, and while she still fusses and cries, she actually sleeps for REAL two-hour stretches right now. Which means I feel like less of an awful mother, everyone is getting pockets of sleep and I don’t dread the sun setting as I did before this, triggering anxiety the likes of which I haven’t experienced in years.
And I really am enjoying our daughter. Oh I like her so much.
5) Smartest thing I did was stockpile meals. People with babies on the way: DO THIS. Ask people to do this for you if necessary. We are going on Week Two and still have plenty of meals from which to eat. I was cooking and prepping meals nine months pregnant, on a barstool, bellied up to the stove because I couldn’t stand. But it was worth it. It has been one less thing for us to contend with each day.
6) Parents are wonderful. Last weekend, Scott’s dad and stepmom and grandpa came over, armed with dinner and presents. With enough leftover for meals later. Last night my parents came over with corned beef, potatoes and cabbage. I wasn’t prepared for how life-affirming and joyful having them be here would be. I suppose knowing that the people who raised you through this stage think you’re doing OK, and will remind you to leave the damn house and stop acting like you’ve just given birth to a bomb that will go off if you deviate from any plan and, say, yes, leave the house, is what we needed.
7) It’s probably just a combination of gas and our sleep-deprived delusion, but we’re convinced Abigail is working on smiling.
That’s it for the moment. More soon. Today we’re hoping to take an inaugural walk around the neighborhood in the stroller. I’ve never been so excited for a walk in my life.
