I am awake because I have awful leg pain waking me up. It’s not restless leg syndrome. Remember when you were a kid and experiencing “growing pains?” That’s what this feels like, only unlike last time I experienced this, I was able to suck it up because I was a kid and the trade-off is the growing part. Short people love that stuff.
I recognize that my trade-off here is my daughter, but for the immediate future, it’s simply a lack of sleep.
Anyway, at my husband’s Facebook page yesterday, he posted a link to his most recent blog entry about parenting a girl. This sparked some great feedback from friends, one of whom brought up the salient point regarding how important it is to decide the sort of parents you’re going to be, especially in light of a world that applauds and accepts babies wearing insipid onesies such as “My Mommy’s a Cosmo Girl,” with the picture of a cocktail on it, or “Princess In Training” or, my favorite, “Lil’ Diva,” which just says to the world, “My Parents Are Encouragng Me To Become An Insufferable Human Being.”
I have heard it said before that things such as clothing and fashion and peer pressure are out of our hands as parents. Surely, I agree on some level: you will always have a world that recognizes how susceptible little girls are to marketing and advertising, and as long as we are a country who values our members of the female species, solely on how they look, surely there will be parents who will trot them out to the mall for mani/pedis and buy them clothing that’s lightyear’s too mature for them to handle. But I don’t find a lick of that cute or adorable. I don’t find encouraging girls, at a young age, to value their worth as a human being in terms of what’s fashionable as responsible parenting. It is not, contrary to popular belief, out of my hands to not allow my daughter to wear clothing with words such as “Princess” on it. I can say “NO.”
Why is that such a foreign concept for people these days? The concept of saying no escapes normally rationally folks, seemingly out of fear that their kids may not like them, or it’ll be an ongoing battle in their house. I wonder, then, what those folks thought parenting was going to be like?
I think because I was raised in such a strict household, and see the value and merit in such an upbringing, that I find all of the chow chow about this topic so deplorable. And what’s funny is that for as much makeup as I couldn’t wear, as many miniskirts as I couldn’t don and as many boys who were not at all welcome to pick us up by solely honking the horn, it was always communicated to me as to why I couldn’t. My parents had the decency to explain to me their reasons, and while I couldn’t dress like a little hooker, I was allowed to have an opinion, which is way better, though at the time it was a bitter pill. I still could see the merit.
It’s only now, of course, that my parents and I can discuss why they raised us as they did. Oftentimes, my dad will point out examples of people who, as children, had parents who functioned more as friends than parents. All of them, many of whom I begged to emulate, have ended up in trouble in one way or another. One of the girls actually did end up becoming a stripper … not that that makes her a bad person, of course, but in the long line of professions you hope for your child, working the pole is not one of them.
I’ve signed up for several years of grand heartache. Of pain and screaming and hurt feelings and slammed doors. I know this. And I know I don’t even know the half of it. But I’m OK with this. I have decided that things such as the benefits of having your kids learn to participate in a family unit far exceed the pouting that will ensue once they truly understand I’m not budging from allowing them to have a personalized entertainment center in their rooms. Honestly. Where in God’s name is it written that in order to be a good parent you have to outfit your kid with a laptop, TV and unfettered access to a smartphone? Is it because the other kids have it? Do I actually need to mention the “If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge…” saying here? I am OK with all of this because 1) I’m old and set in my ways and 2) It’s my damn job as a parent.
I’m not saying my daughter won’t have any of these things. Of course she will. But there will be rules and consequences, because rules and consequences are part of the world, and she needs to learn those things at home at an early age. The kicker, of course, is that there is no guarantee any of this will work. But we’re not going down without a fight.
What’s just as important to me, and to Scott, is that we raise our daughter to have a deeper interpretation of what it means to be a human being, to be female, beyond subscribing to what’s fashionable or popular. This is no small feat, I’ll grant you, and we’ll falter along the way, no doubt, but if we want to raise our daughter to eventually be the sort of person others want to be around, then I can go ahead and start by putting my foot down now about her wearing clothing with cheeky taglines such as “It’s All About Me.”
Do people really buy that stuff?
Clearly I need to find a way to fix the painful-legs-in-the-middle-of-the-night problem.
Amen! Although M does love a great pedicure.
This is really fab stuff and many of the issues i’ve pondered re kidlets. Hope you’ll keep us posted on further thoughts!
I will say only this – we have gotten some ridiculous clothes through hand me downs, like a tshirt that says “does this diaper make my butt look big?” and some variant on the Princess theme and I didn’t throw them away as soon as they were handed to me. I never thought I’d put them on my girls, either, but sometimes I have. Sometimes a tshirt is just a tshirt, and Maria and Veronica don’t care what they are wearing, so I try not to give the clothes too much power. Since we have a boy and two girls I try to treat them all the same way – after all, almost every SINGLE piece of play clothing that Anthony has has some sort of freaking sport theme or number on it.
My 2.5 year old girl doesn’t care too much about Disney princesses, but I have a friend who hates and despises them. I have never seen the correlation with watching a movie about a princess who is saved by the prince and having unrealistic views of the world and marriage and whathaveyou. I mean, Cinderella talks to mice and dogs and she has a fairy godmother! Not realism!
I admire you for thinking of your baby so much and not your pregnancy. I always got very hung up in the pregnancy part of the process and then I had the baby and I was all, what the hell do I do now?
i had a lot of middle of the night leg pain with my first, and i found a banana a day helped.
Try more potassium like a banana before bed. Sometimes leg cramps are from low potassium level. Hope it works, cant hurt.
Big Ditto on the rest.
I’ve been a lurker here for quite a while (lurker, is that even a word?). This post compelled me to come out of the closet. I have a teenaged daughter. Over the course of her fourteen years on this planet I have watched the “fashions” in girls’ clothing change from sweet ruffles and ribbons to, well, for lack of a better word, HO.
We have always been fairly strict with our daughter, allowing her to make choices in her attire while stressing the importance of self respect and modesty and, I feel quite good about her fashion sense as a result. We keep an open-ended discussion going and I have been really happy to hear her thoughts on low-cut jeans, thongs peeking from the back of pants, sheer, boob-baring tank tops under which a black bra is quite visible, etc. For the record, her thoughts generally go along the lines of EWWWWW, gross!
I guess what I’m saying is that I think you can’t go wrong by starting early and, dressing your child in a onesie with a cocktail on the front is probably not the greatest starting point, as you are well aware.
Daughters have their challenges, I’m not going to lie but; raising them has more than its’ fair share of rewards and you and your husband are going be wonderful parents becuase you understand and value the art of communication. Really, that is the secret to parenting, I’m certain of it.
As for the leg pain, bananas, lots and lots of bananas.
I cannot even tell you how much I agree with all of this. I, too, was raised in a relatively strict household, and while it pissed me off to no end at the time that I couldn’t do a bunch of things (wear tight bodysuits in 6th grade! Watch R-rated moves in junior high!), I totally appreciate and understand why. I just hope that I can give my kids that same kind of rational upbringing. I’ve sort of accepted the fact that I am not going to be the All Fun, All The Time parent, but it’s not my job to be best friends with my kids. It’s my job to parent them to be functional, self-respecting adults.
You know, I think there is a WORLD of difference between liking princesses, and treating your daughters as though they are. I also don’t have an issue with pink – just a color, after all. But I do have a problem with the messaging on clothing. I just do. It’s a hill I’ll die on, even though I totally get your point, Joanne, about not giving too much power to clothes.
I think it’s just one of those things that for us, aggravates us to such a large degree it’s better to keep it out of the house.
As for me focusing on the baby, sister, your comment reminded me that I really *ought* to check in with my doctor since they always end up calling me since they never, ever hear from me. I think when get accustomed to living with some sort of chronic ache and pain. you tend to ignore things and not give them much thought. So I just put a call in to check on a couple of things that have been happening.
This is a little bizzaro, but it really works. Tuck an unused bar of soap (any brand, I use Dove) between the sheets and matress at the foot of your bed. No nighttime leg cramps!
Mother of a 14-year-old weighing in here:
Clothes are merely the tip of the iceberg. The stereotyping gender-role enforcing is just as insidious. Just wait until you are at Gymboree and hear the other mommies encouraging their 9-month-old male and female children to regard one another as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.” As in:
Mommy1: Oh, my Aiynne (pronounced Ann) just LOOOOOOOOOOVES your Kelprin!! (And yes, names get this stupid–surely a rant for another entry.) She thinks he’s so cuuuuuuuuute!!! She only flirts with the really good-looking boys, you know!!! Aiynn, go give Kelprin a great big hug and kiss and tell him you love him so much!!!
Mommy2: Just look at her bat those eyelashes at my big handsome man!!! Oh, she’s a heart-breaker, that one!!! She’s going to be voted Most Beautiful in high school, and Kelprin is going to be captain of the football, basketball, and lacrosse teams!!! They’ll be Prom King and Queen!!! Kelprin, honey–tell Aiynne how pretty she looks in that gorgeous dress!
Mommy3(me): {Oh sweet Jesus, does anyone here have a brain cell?}
Focus: I agree 100% on your stance on clothing for girls. I always dressed my daughter in basic cotton clothing for her comfort and ease in crawling, walking, and playing. No slogans on her butt, no suggestive “Hoochie Mama in Training.” crop tops, hip huggers, or bikinis (yeah, they make ‘em for the diaper set.)
Today she’s a modest teen who likes to dress fashionably but doesn’t push the boundaries. No booty shorts, no boobs jacked up to under her chin, no micro minis, no thongs. She knows the school dress code, and follows it. Shopping is a little more difficult for teens who don’t embrace pole-dancer couture, but it can be done.
Heartfelt congratulations on your pregnancy, and on your soon-to-arrive daughter. Raising children in this day and age is challenging, but oh so rewarding. They are a lot of work, but the sheer joy and pleasure in them is more than compensatory.
Having just had a daughter, I can sooo relate to so much of what you’re talking about. We didn’t find out the gender beforehand, and therefore, avoided getting loads of pink princess-y decor for her room. That said, as soon as she came out, the girly stuff started coming in, both as gifts and hand-me-downs. I try to avoid dressing her in the slogan onesies. But sometimes, the only clean thing she owns (and you’ll quickly learn how much extra laundry a teeny little human can create) is a t-shirt that says “Daddy’s Little Princess,” and on it goes. But on the other hand, I don’t feel so bad when she gets poop on it.
For the leg pain, and general sleeping comfort the rest of the pregnancy, try getting a body pillow. Boppy makes one I liked, but there are tons of types out there.
And finally, regarding weight lifting and the like during pregnancy, see if your gym has any prenatal classes. I loved them! The instructors usually have a good idea of what feels right and wrong when you’re preggers.
OK, that’s all the advice I’ll give for now. As I’m sure you’ve already figured out, being pregnant = receiving advice, often unsolicited, all. freaking. day.
LOL Sue – so true! I have a one year old boy and I’ve already had a mom from daycare tell he has a “crush” on one of the little girls. Give me a break! They are ONE year olds! I hate that the gender typecasting starts so early : (
very well said. i am the first time mom of a 6th month old girl, and i have these thoughts all the time. people often remark on how our daughter looks (and i get it, she’s a baby, she can’t be complimented on her athleticism yet) but still….i find myself with a little mantra that goes ‘you are smart! you are independent! you make healthy relationship decisions!’. it doesn’t help that i’m a therapist
. my husband questions whether it is too early to start with the healthy self-esteem building and i say NO.
let’s lead a new generation of girls that don’t embrace pole-dance couture(well named, sue)into the world.
Sue and Chelle both make really important points about the idea of modesty. It is something that I was raised to think about even when I thought it silly and something that I now pass on to my girls. The Blessed Mother was modest so that she could better serve her family and her God…this works at a young age (at least in the Catholic set ;D) and very easily couples with the idea of helping others to dress modestly (encouraging friends to like an outfit that is perhaps more flattering and often more modest for example) and think more purely.
I also have heard the boyfriend/girlfriend grossness. We are not allowing any of that talk here! Is it any wonder that children are growing into adult behavior so young when society and parents are encouraging them in adult behavior?
Oh, I could go on, I am fairly sure that you have heard me do so before…but the key here is that you can truly shape your kids childhoods. Sure, they spend a great deal of time in school and in the company of friends, but you have the power.
PS Due to my issues with modesty, I don’t actually have many issues with cartoon characters, phrases, and the like on shirts – those are fairly innocent if the kids are getting good messages…cocktails though, yes!
I’m old(er) and set in my ways too and I hear ya! We became parents to our little girl 8 years ago (when I was 33) and it’s always annoyed me when anyone (teachers, other parents, family, strangers) try to put Emi into a box (with toys, clothes, interest). We never bought the Barbie stuff with Barbie’s image on it anyway because we didn’t want Emi to feel inadequate about her body or hair or eye color but we did get her the pink Barbie laptop at RadioShack because it was so cool with the educational games. Now at 8 years of age I am glad that she’s into comfort instead of the latest fad; and team sports vice cheerleading like many of the girls in her 3rd grade class. It’s great that you guys are thinking about these issues before baby is actually here…I see many parents dressing up their daughters with what’s cute and doing the cutesy activities instead of trying to instill the values and skills (like reading, hello?!) to take them through life. I hope that you got that leg problem licked and that the rest of your pregnancy is more enjoyable than that first trimester.
I think you’re right…but I also think life is complicated and some flexibility can be helpful in defining what we truly care about. I have two girls myself, 9 and almost 6. My husband and I treat these issues with a sort of sliding scale of importance. T-shirts with sassy, smart ass sayings? No way. Clothing that is immodest or otherwise inappropriate for the age of the child wearing it? Not allowed. Those ubiquitous Barbie DVDs (Mermaidia, The 12 Dancing Princesses, etc.)? They’re some of the few childrens’ DVDs in which the main characters are girls, who are doing the rescuing, the fighting, and beating the villians. Yes, Barbie’s body is indefensible – and I’ll often point that out to my girls: “Look, Barbie’s legs are so long she’d be taller than 2 daddies on top of each other in real life!” Some of the modern Disney Princesses are okay in my book too — Beauty in Beauty and the Beast loves to read, and Mulan is a warrior. What I’ve discovered is that the MOST important thing, by far, is that you have a relationship with your daughter than is strong enough that she can talk to you when she’s confused. My 9 year old told me a couple of weeks ago that she “thinks she may have seen something inappropriate.” My heart pounding, I asked her what it was. The answer was the Katy Perry California Girls video, which she saw when she was at a friend’s house. It meant so much to me that she felt like she could ask why a “lady” as she called her, would want to have her body covered in dessert. No good answers there, but I was glad to have the conversation! Anyway, sorry for the long comment – good for you for defining your philosophy on this stuff now. You’re going to be such a good mother!
Oh Laura that was an awesome story. Good for you, Mom!
The gift that made me go hmmmm was the onesie with the giant $$ on it that said “Tax Deduction”. I know it’s just a little joke but I just thought it was so tacky. Sort of like the shot glass chess set that we got as a wedding gift FROM THE SAME PERSON.
Then my husband came home with a t-shirt that said “Barf Vader” and he was so proud of himself that I didn’t have the heart to ruin it for him.
I agree with so much of what everyone has said, I think parents of girls have such wild rides that it is smart to gear up for the challenge as soon as you can. My parents would not have let me wear the “Ho” gear either, but I don’t remember wanting to.
Best of luck to you and Scott and your baby girl!
I couldn’t agree more! More parents need to set limits and limitations on their kiddos! I don’t buy my child-he’s 5–every new video game (he has none) and gadget and gizmo out there! He needs to learn how to read, his letters, how to spell, etc. And I really only like it when he watches PBS programming too. Too many pillow pets and crappy commercials on the other channels….and I don’t take him to all the newest kid movies either! That costs money and kids are a LOT of money!!
I truly believe that the spoiling of our children will lead to the downfall of our society….everyone wants to give their child the best…what they NEVER had…therefore their kids get everything with NO learning or lesson behind how they got everything! As if they are entitled to it! Not that they learn to earn it or understand that certain toys need to be treated well! Considering my 5 yr old has MANY toys that were very expensive that have been taken away from him b/c he doesn’t treat them well! And he breaks them….so he doesn’t get them.
Another point…maybe you’d mentioned this before now, maybe not…but in the idea of teaching kids lessons…don’t feel as if you should always have to entertain them either! Since your daughter may or may not be an only child at this point..teach her to play by herself and entertain herself with blocks, puzzles and coloring (not always using the TV as a babysitter–but it IS helpful sometimes) and being able to play alone is good too! No one ever said as a parent we need to entertain our kids 24/7! But that’s another point!
I know you and Scott will by wonderful parents….if you are already thinking of all this right now….