Last night my plane back to Chicago was delayed by about an hour. I was tired – it had been a long, though rewarding, 24 hours. I had just texted Scott to exclaim, “I love my job!” It really had been another one of those whiz-bang career moments where you become a little dumbstruck by your luck.
We made it onto the plane. I had some water. Pretended to be remotely interested in Valentine’s Day. And then it happened: the kids all got restless.
I was coming back from Florida, and it shouldn’t have surprised me that I’d be riding back with a bunch of kids. To be fair, the majority of the kids were fine, but the delay was clearly catching up with them. And it was with me, too. Then the little kid in front of me starting wailing. It was painful, guttural and ear-splitting. The entire cabin was turning around, watching as his parents (well, his dad) did very little. The stewardess tried to help, but nothing would calm him down. This went on – the screaming, the kicking, the punching – for more than an hour, all the way until we got off of the plane and I ran from them as quickly I as I could.
I am not an asshole – there are myriad reasonable, rationale explanations for why this kid was inconsolable. I wasn’t (totally) judging the parents for not being able to calm him down, though, man did I feel for that mom who didn’t seem to be getting an ounce of support from her partner. And there is also the possibility there was something about him (I hesitate to say “wrong” but that’s all I’m coming up with right now) that neither he nor his parents could control. But man – I walked off that plane grateful that I don’t have kids.
I started texting Scott, saying I’d changed my mind, and I believed it. It was all that bad.
I am not sure how to reconcile any of this, of course. I also don’t know that I have to – I know the whole bit about how when it’s your kid it’s different. I appreciate that. Just the same, I found a big, fat silver lining to not being able to get pregnant. And the peace and quiet I came to once I got home was glorious.
Lately, we’ve been on the fence about adding a third child to our family. The kids are all for it, at least under certain circumstances. Meredith will “give it to the neighbors” if our imaginary child happens to be a boy. Alex is all for it, but said, “It would be great if the baby could be around most of the time, and then when you wanted it to be invisible, it would.”
Everyone has doubts from time to time.
My love for your children is ginormous. Seriously. They are ungodly funny.
As you said, it IS different when it’s your own child, but the ways that I’m thinking of that it differs are not different in a GOOD way. (In addition to hearing and suffering from the ear splitting noise, you have the job of making it stop, and if you aren’t a jerk, you get to feel guilty that you’re making everyone else suffer, too! Bonus!) If anyone were deciding to have kids based on how much they enjoyed kids on airplanes? Well, I definitely think we’d all be changing our minds. I’m not saying this to say that you SHOULD have a kid if you really don’t want to, of course! You should do what you and Scott want. But I also know that you didn’t choose to have Glinny so that you could clean up dog poop, you know? Peace and quiet is definitely a silver lining to not having kids, but if you DO have a kid or kids, I am pretty sure you will find some silver linings to that, too. (You know all of this already, I am pretty sure, but I’m just sharing my thoughts on it. Forgive me if I seem annoying!)
Oh, Erin. I can relate. I was so nervous about getting on a plan with my 6 month old recently…thinking of those hundreds of flights I have been on over years of travel…with wailing/back of your seat kicking/(let’s just say it) annoying kids. And? I prayed that Karma would smile and praise me for being empathetic all those years to all the parents who at least TRIED to calm their children. (The parents that ignore bad or disruptive behavior? They are jerks. Especially because there may be something really causing your kids’ discomfort.) Anyway – all was fine. And I noticed when I flew solo – I barely noticed the kid running up and down the aisle after having my own. When we as adults can’t deal with a kid who won’t/can’t respond to its parents efforts to comfort (by using headphones, meditation, I dunno…something), I kind of feel like we’re not being very adult about it.
Thanks everyone.
Julie, I love your site!
Yeah, every time my husband and I run into badly-behaved kids, we turn to each other and say, “Are we sure we want to do this?” Of course, it’s kind of a done deal at this point, so I’m just hoping that maternal instinct I’ve heard so much about will kick in once the kid gets here.
Being the parent of a two year-old, I’m no stranger to fits and screaming. It definitely helps to have my husband supporting me and helping out in those situations. I see people every day, who don’t have a supportive partner. This, to me and to others that I know, makes all the difference. When you are the parent of the screaming child, it’s mortifying. People treat you like you are some sort of a freak show; they avoid all eye contact and stare daggers. In that moment, if you’re a normal person, you want to be anything but a parent. But, there are also the moments where you are cuddling, loving and watching your baby become a little person. These moments surpass the others, by far. I find that a bit of humor definitely helps in the screaming moments! Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
We recently went on a weekend trip with a couple who brought their dog. Their shedding, shitting, barking, horrible, pain-in-the-ass, horrifically stupid dog, who they thought was the most adorable thing EVER. I have never been so reassured beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should never become a dog owner. I could not WAIT to get away from that thing, and back to the peace and quiet of my daughter.
Your mileage, of course, may vary.
I remember being a non-parent and hating those screaming kids on planes, in restaurants, etc. Now that I’m a parent, I do the best that I can to keep the kids quiet and respectful when we’re out in public. I’ve taught them manners and proper rules of behavior. People aren’t paying money to go out to dinner to listen to my kids scream and throw stuff. And sometimes, despite all of my husband’s and my best intentions and actions, the kids go to shit. It’s MORTIFYINGLY horrible when we’re on a plane because there is no escape. When we’re in a restaurant, the kids get put in the car by themselves. We apologize to people in our immediate vicinity in advance, as they’re sitting down, or at the end of the flight, and we have always, always been told “it’s no big deal”. As a parent, there is absolutely nothing you can do to shut the kids up if they’re screaming and crying. Then you just sit there and wait for the kid to fall asleep or for the plane to land.
You know, Jenn, I think most people would have that reaction – “It’s no big deal” – because they knew you were parenting. I don’t let my dog (ahem) off her leash or allow her to jump on people or take her places where it’s inappropriate for the very reason you mention. You certainly can’t keep a kid off of a plane, and you shouldn’t, but you can do your best and let those around you know that you’re sorry it’s a rough situation. Which is what you – and most normal people – do in that situation. And I don’t know many who aren’t sympathetic – like I said, I’m not an asshole. Sometimes it’s just beyond giving the kid a hug and a harsh word.
But for me the other night, it wasn’t like it was just us childless wondering what was going on – the majority of flight consisted of parents with kids who were CLEARLY just as irritated with at least the dad’s inaction, and that was more frustrating than anything. It wasn’t just crying – it was kicking, punching and screaming for more than an hour, and the dad just stared at them.
For the record? I’m pretty certain a person should never make a decision about parenthood based on an experience in something such as an airplane. But having that experience is a reminder that meltdowns can be a part of the experience of parenthood, and when you feel bombarded with how much of the roses and candy you’re missing out by not being able to be a parent, knowing that meltdowns aren’t a part of your life is a nice cushion to the blow. You take the silver linings where you can get them. I appreciate how sensitive parents are to childless people being irritated with their kids, I do, but I’m not one of those people who thinks kids should be put in a box, and there are plenty of us who spend quite a bit of time fighting back tears because we *don’t* get those *other* moments to experience, which we’d like. So when the situation presents itself to make the best out of what may be a permanent sense of loss, we do.
I make no apologizes for that, you know?
I think we all have those moments- be it unruly kids or passing by a car accident that we think “thank god that is not me!”.
You’re not feeling anything different- there are moments that I see a mom struggling with her kids when I’m out alone and I am SO glad the kiddo is at home with daddy. I still love her, but no one wants to be the one who has to deal with a kid who is not calming down despite your best efforts.
It does help to balance out those moments with getting to play with kids that make you smile.
Great post. Great comments. Very smart people around here.
You never know what is goin on with a kid – it’s so dependent on so many factors. For me, whatever irritation and annoyance someone may feel for my kid’s horrible behavior, I feel tenfold. (Jessamyn said it best). And our kids are usually well-behaved in most public situations. Usually. I feel completely irritated by stranger’s tantrums. But I feel less-so now after becoming a parent (mainly due to relief that it’s not my child). When I finally get away from a kid tantrum, I usually just wanna go home and hug my own kids. Or maybe that’s just because I always wanna go home and hug my own kids. ha.
I always figure everyone is a little extra-jerky on the plane, so why shouldn’t it be the kids, too? Whatever it is, I’m glad that you are taking advantage of a could-have-been bad situation to feel good about your situation. I admire you and your pluck, Missy.
A few years ago I took a flight with a baby in front of me and as someone who is child-free I cringed in expectation of a crummy flight. However, this mother was ON POINT. Just before take-off and just before landing she whipped out a bottle for the baby to suck on. The sucking motion helps the babies ears pop. I wanted to hug that lady when we got off the plane.
It’s been my experience that a poorly trained dog is the fault of the owner.
ha!
yes, if you want peace and quiet don’t have a kid. I go to my sil’s and its just so quiet there.
The dad- well he was either inattentive to try and not add fuel to the fire- OR- he might have just been done. he had to probably deal with that little kid in disney or some other crazy place for a week with no escape and he was just counting the minutes to touch down.
I flew home with my girls when Natalie was 3 months and grace was 16 months. I had nats in the bjorn with bottles and paci ready. I was carring a car seat and a 16 month old with my other 2 hands. just glares going down the aisle. grace got as many suckers and rice krispy treats as her happy sticky hands to handle- just to keep her quiet. we made it thru the flights, incedince free.. well we were quite a mess, spit up, spilled bottles, stickey everywhere- but no crying, kicking, etc.. and while I was walking down the aisle with 16 month old, 30 lb 5 pt car seat, diaper bag for 2 and an infant strapped to me- none of the nice passengers offered a help- so hell, maybe I should have let all hell break loose!
we haven’t been on a plane since. mostly due to cost. but also Grace is scared of everything loud and I am just worried about meltdowns. you can never tell- and when you are in the middle of a major one sometimes you just can’t extinguish it- no matter what kind of Mommy Goddess you are.
but for real, enjoy your peace and quiet now! :envy:
I loved this post AND the comments.
We are flying this coming Wed. to Spain with our 2+ year old, Felix. I shudder as I type these words…because I don’t want to be THAT parent. We’ve flown before (although never this far) and it went pretty well. In fact, about 99.9% of the time….Felix is predictable. He’s a rough and tumble BOY’s boy, he needs distractions and food…lots of both, all the time…but every once in awhile, he channels Damien or some other EVIL force and I don’t know what the HELL to do.
I think there are silver linings to all situations. While I love my son with every fibre of my being and would NEVER change our lives…I miss my old life (at times) and can honnestly say that some aspects were easier/funner/quieter. I sometimes feel bad in saying that but I think it’s important to recognize feelings and make peace with them.
I think that finding that all important state of “grace” is finding things to LOVE about whatever situation you find yourself in at any given time.
I love my child but not necessarily other children, and never when I am on a plane. ESPECIALLY on the rare occasion I am traveling sans-kid! Don’t sweat it.
erin, LOVED talking to you at EVO. you were so very comforting to a hopeful author who is scared shitless by the thought of approaching agents, editors, publishers, etc. and your panel on PR was bangin’.
and about the kids on planes thing — i don’t even like my own kids on planes. i would rather drive 15 hours in my car with my family than take my children on a two hour plane ride. and sorry, but it’s really not that different when it’s your own kids (at least in my life). if anything, having my child screaming on a plane is worst-case-scenario, because he’s doing it directly into my ear, and i’m also mortified that the rest of the people on the plane are about to see me totally lose my shit. so i understand your feeling of gratitude as you got home to a quiet house. it’s truly wonderful that you can see the silver lining in what must be a very crappy cloud in your life.
Oh Alexis, you are so sweet. It was so wonderful to meet you, too! And thanks for your sweet comments – talk to you more, soon!
Part of this intolerance is cultural. I married a Korean, had my son there and lived there for almost 12 years. I flew to the states every year to visit family. I hated flying on American airlines as I always felt very stressed if my son cried. On Korean airlines I always had all of the “harmonies”, grandmothers, helping me in every way they could…even putting my son on their backs and walking him up and down the isle. I found this to be true while living in Korea. Children were seldom considered a bother in restaurants, movies theaters etc. It was great and I believe is made children feel so cherished, by all!
I’m “intolerant” of bad behavior in general.
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