I have this whole politically themed post in my head, but it’s going to have to wait until the weekend.
I’m off to meet with an RE in two weeks. On top of that, I’m going to start acupuncture and massage. It’s time. I kept saying I was going to wait until I was tested once more during the next Day 21-23 of my cycle, but since I stopped paying attention, and thought I was nearing to that, I missed the window and I don’t want to wait another month for something we can test at the RE’s.
I’m ready to move along. I’m ready to know better, know more. So is my husband.
I’ve been waking up every morning at 4:30, every day, for boot camp classes. For an hour I work my ass off at a studio near my house. I don’t know what has happened, but a light turned on. I attribute this mostly to adrenaline and the charm that comes from a new experience, but it’s helping. My energy levels are insane, even on those days when I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep. I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight, but I feel amazing.
I think it’s giving me the courage to try, to take the leap.
I’ll be honest: when I had some conclusive evidence as to why I wasn’t getting pregnant, evidence that made it clear that it was unlikely we’d get pregnant without some medical intervention, I felt pretty freed. And while I didn’t not want to be pregnant, it did make the act of getting pregnant, and all the surrounds it, less dire. I ate sushi. Drank an extra glass of wine. I didn’t notice every pregnant woman who walked down the street. You get the drill.
It was nice to take a break from the business of birth and live a little.
But a comment was made - I don’t think directly about me and this whole fertility business - by someone in my life in reference to Mother’s Day that made it clear that I was not an integral part of Mother’s Day, despite me being a daughter. This person is a mother herself, and I think the suggestion was that it was her day, not mine.
I felt my gut go through my throat. My husband got quiet, and had that look of stoicism he usually reserves for when he’s really pissed. I knew this wasn’t about us, but the whole “Someone else is a parent, not you” sentiment is getting old, especially when you’re just standing still and not really doing anything about it.
We have no one to blame but ourselves, and I’m officially tired of being actively passive about it.
I re-read some parts of Eat, Pray, Love recently, and there is a bit at the end where Elizabeth Gilbert comments on happiness, and how so many think it’s a result of luck, when actually it’s hard work. And, once you find happiness, it’s your duty to hold on to it, to continue to work for it. We are so, so happy. I am a bit boggled by the thread of happiness that’s weaved continuously in our life. No, our life isn’t perfect, but it’s joyful.
Again, this might be all that damn adrenaline, but in recent weeks I feel like I’ve woken up from a deep, deep sleep, and now I’m rested and ready to get to the work of being happy. When I think of the clutter and toxicity I’ve removed from my life in the past five months, it’s easier to see how that’s possible.
Oi, the Mother’s Day comment… had a similar thing happen this year. Was ttc last year for about 6 months, and for circumstances outside of my control, we had to stop trying & delay for a year (soon!). It’s been REALLY hard to see everyone around me running full bore into motherhood, including my sister in law.
So, family gets together, and SIL’s MIL makes a point, in front of everyone there, that *I* can take all of the family pictures, because I’m “not a mom”. Then, SIL’s SIL brings lilies for every adult woman there- except for me. ‘Cause I’m not a mom.
Just. Ow.
One of my old bosses always used to say, “the harder I work, the luckier I get”. Same sentiment as you said above. and, wow, sometimes people are so insensitive…
I love your blog! I know we are on different sides of mom-dom, but I have to comment on the part about feeling “freed” when you had information about your fertility. I felt the same way when Max was diagnosed with a speech delay. Its so f’ing frustrating to be guessing at things and wondering if you’re missing something and people are telling you to “just let it happen” (does that sound familiar?) Well maybe it doens’t just happen and you need a boost! I felt so great after the speech pathologist said he definitely needed speech therapy. I could now get him help and end his frustration and ours. Now the same thing is happening with is skin and migraines. You get put in the guessing game again and meanwhile nothing is being solved.
So just keep plugging along and listen to your gut even when the ones who are supposed to know say something that just doens’t feel like the answer to you.
BTW, You are SO a part of mother’s day!!!
I just love you. I love reading your thoughts. I don’t know you but we always seem to be on the same page. Knowing that there is someone out there writing about all this and I can read it and recognize it, contributes to my happiness. You should know that.
So…given the long delay between posts, is it safe to assume you finally finished reading The Economist?
Good luck with the accupuncture. It’s been a great benefit to me, personally. And it’s definitely nice to have permission to lie in a darkened room for an hour a week, doing nothing but zoning out…doctor’s orders!
A while ago a bunch of my former co-workers were discussing what made one feel “like an adult.” One of them said, “Oh, you’re definitely not an adult until you have children.” The hell?
My personal opinion: Mother’s Day is just a commercial celebration. Like Valentine’s day. Who in the world decided that JUST THESE DAYS are important?? I have two kids and don’t really pay attention to it. My six year old reminded me at 6.00pm that it was MD. My 17 yo didn’t even mention it. I was fine with that because we have great times on other days that are not MD. Also, I lost my Mother when I was very young so it’s never been a “celebrated” day in my home.
On happiness: at the ripe at of 49 I can confirm that I have to actively work on my happiness. it works. I know a lot of miserable people that are very active in being miserable. Instead of looking at the joy in life they love to sit around and bitch about how rotten everything is. I pretty much stay clear of people like that…stay positive, look at the good in life, try and change the negative…
I read somewhere once that happiness is a verb, not a noun.
Your post contributed to my happiness too. Sometimes I need a kick in the pants and a reminder that *I* am the one responsible for my own happiness–and defining my own value.
A very dear friend of mine recently adopted a baby boy. She is so happy she glows. I am a better mom just being around her.
You are a mother in the making. So, happy Mother’s Day to you!
Yay for massage! I think all massage is great, but check out Mayan Abdominal Massage specifically for enhancing fertility. After a few sessions you will know how to do it on your own so you don’t have to keep paying big bucks for it…