At this very moment, weatherpersons all over Chicago are predicting Snowmageddon. Even the lede in the Trib story reads, “The National Weather Service has issued an unusually dire blizzard watch, calling a storm expected to arrive Tuesday afternoon over much of northern Illinois and Northwest Indiana dangerous, multifaceted and potentially life-threatening.”

Dear God.

Do you know what women with only three weeks “left” to go in their pregnancies want to hear? That the worst snow storm since 1999 is slated to hit this week. I will admit to you that I feel rather confident that this baby isn’t going anywhere for the time being, let alone the next 48 hours, but that doesn’t mean I’m not filled with a bit of dread, just the same. Luckily for me, if it comes down to it, I’ll work from home on Wednesday. It’s not so much going into labor that worries me as much as the fact that just about everything about me is severely compromised.

At the moment:

1) I can’t stand up without having to take a few bounces. I don’t know how else to describe it. I can’t actually just stand straight up or I feel like I’ll fall over.

2) Number 1 is a result of, I think, the absolute pain in my hips. And from there?

3) Pain in my bladder.  My midwife, Cynthia, figured out that I’m just suffering from ligament pain, which explains the awful, ridiculous stabbing pain I’ve been experiencing.  There is nothing I can do about it, other than grab my abdominal region in terror whenever it rears its ugly head.  Which is often. Usually when I’m walking. And no one has bought me a rascal yet, assholes.

4) I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both of my hands/wrists. Currently I’m wearing a brace on each wrist, to the tune of a grand total of $50 this weekend that made me wonder if I’m far enough along in this pregnancy to just down a fifth of vodka to ease the pain. Turns out the answer to that was, “No.” I suppose I never really understood carpal tunnel because now it feels like the largest injustice known to man. I can’t walk well, I can barely stand, and now I have limited use of my hands. AND I’m sober.

It’s as though my body is slowly giving me the middle finger and laughing at me the whole time.

Again, I preface all of this by saying that I know how lucky I am, considering just how much can go wrong. We’ve been blessed with a healthy pregnancy. What kills me, of course, is that all of this is “healthy.” And, no, no one made me turn my body into a vessel, but Jesus. CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME? Really?

At some point yesterday, I forget, I shook in anger and frustration over…the whole thing. I can’t walk well, and then when I do, it’s usually for an abbreviated period of time, and I can’t do it without knocking into something/over something. I don’t move with my usual speed and because I didn’t do anything to prepare for the arrival of this child until a month before her arrival, I’m so pressed for time that  DEAR LORD I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO FOLD LAUNDRY WITHOUT HEAVING OR SEVERE PAIN IN MY HANDS.

I am told this will go away when the baby gets here, or soon after, but it’s not making getting things done any easier. Even typing this is taking my entire lunch hour because of all of the typos I’m trying to correct.

That said? I’m adjusting to the lack sleep and taking advantage of the extra time. I attribute some of this to having the most amazing bed to sleep in now oh my God. Tempur-Pedic is an Edelman client, in the interest of full disclosure, but I didn’t get a discount or anything, totally bought it on my own accord. And? I would do it again. Holy Moses. If I’m only going to get a couple of hours of sleep, at least they’re quality. It took us a couple of years, but the wait was worth it.  Thumbs up on the new bed, and a bigger thumb’s up to my husband who, along with my father in law, built a box spring for it.

I just need my glider to arrive. I have never wanted a chair more than I want this one. And I’m pretty certain that with the coming blizzard, it’s not going to be at our door after 5 p.m. on Wednesday as promised, which makes me weepy.

Ah, first-world problems.

So no, I can’t walk fast, or much at all. I can barely type, barely grasp onto things, but by golly, we’re getting closer. This pregnancy has found me losing a tooth, gaining 31 pounds, without sleep, an entire summer spent horizontal indoors, eschewing booze. I’m sore and cranky and I haven’t been in this bad of shape since I was smoking two packs a day and mainlining cheap beer.

I can handle a damn blizzard.