So tomorrow is a big day. It’s the BIG ULTRASOUND DAY.
I feel like this is something akin to Christmas Day, the sort of thing that gets weeks and weeks of build up and then it’s here, we clean up the wrapping paper and discarded items and go about our day.
All that said? I’m REALLY excited. After all, up until now, she’s been a blob and a heartbeat, and in August, we could kinda make out her head, and I saw her sucking her thumb, which was seven shades of crazy. But really, it’s not as though the purpose of the visits I’ve been to thus far have had been devoted to the ultrasound. But tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow I don’t have to pretend like I’ve been to this dance before. Like it’s not a big deal to be seeing my kid up there, to do everything in my power not to beg them to slow down that wand over my belly so I can make out … whatever it is I can make out.
I *think* I’m feeling her these days. I’m pretty sure it’s her, although I’m not totally unconvinced it’s just gas. The books and the Web sites all say that if you’re overweight to begin with, which I was, it’s not terribly likely you’ll feel the baby until a few more weeks go by. And since the extra weight I was carrying – all 15 pounds of it – was right in my belly, well, I don’t imagine I’ll actually feel the baby until some time during her sophomore year of college.
Anyway, so I’m excited to spend a little time with our daughter tomorrow, so check in on her and make sure she’s holding up OK. I’ve not been a particularly worried pregnant lady. Truthfully, I don’t give all of the aches and pains much thought. I don’t call my doctor or text my doula. But I have to admit that I’m glad for tomorrow’s visit just to make sure she’s alright.
And here is probably the other thing: I look pregnant, I have pregnant symptoms, and I do pregnant lady things. But it still sort of escapes me that there is a baby in there. A real baby. And she’s ours. I mean holy shit.
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The other big happening for the week is that we begin hypnobirthing classes.
I didn’t know what hypnobirthing was, either, before I became pregnant, so I don’t know that it’s something people know about unless they know someone who did it and talked about it or they’re more evolved than I was. When Scott and I did find out we were pregnant, and I wasn’t feeling like death warmed over, we started to look into our birthing options. I always knew I’d look into something, I just never really knew what I’d find.
Hypnobirthing seemed to be what would fit for us, namely me. I am a Type A control-freak. I get in my own way all of the time, and usually when I really need to just let others take the wheel. I think I know everything, mostly because I’ve been successful in a handful of areas in my life and I’ve allowed myself to translate that into being a Big Know-It-All. So I knew that for as much as I could read and prepare and study and everything else, I was bound to do the same thing with the birth of my daughter that I do with almost everything:
Panic. Get angry and frustrated. Take it out on someone else.
But since I knew I would need to prepare and study and do something, it made sense to have that thing I study be something that could be constructive to all facets of my life, and probably do me some good in the future. Having a kid pretty much means I give up the wheel in so many areas, so it’s better to start learning that lesson now, rather than think that my current approach will work with a teeny, tiny barely formed human being.
This also is why we’re hired a doula. My biggest reason for hiring a doula was that I knew I needed an advocate for myself in the delivery room, and I didn’t want that to have to solely be my husband. I have every faith in him, but I wanted someone who could be a guide and a counselor. Plus, I’d like to try laboring naturally, and my wussy behind needs someone who has been there before to help me think straight, to get me out of the way, in the event I feel pressure to do something that isn’t particularly necessary for me and my daughter. Don’t get me wrong – I know there is the possibility that what we’d like to have happen and what will happen are two different things. Just the same, it’s important for us to have someone help us navigate through the labor business, no matter what happens, and can help guide us to make the choices that are best for us and our baby.
The nice thing about the doula we’ve hired is that she’s an advocate for us, and not an advocate for her own agenda. If I decide to have an epidural, for instance, she’s not going to try and talk me out of it or make feel guilty because of it. It was important to us when we interviewed her that she was there to support us, and not support her own political position. And what I like even more is that our doula also is our hypnobirthing instructor, so we’ll have someone with us who we’ll have a well-established relationship with, well before we get into the delivery room.
I have an amazing, wonderful, lovely doctor. But there is no guarantee that she’ll be the one delivering our daughter, and I need some consistent, trusted perspective through this process. Plus someone who knows how to be a hard ass when I need it most. We feel pretty lucky to have found her.
Sadly our insurance doesn’t cover a doula, so we’re paying out of pocket for her services. But we think it’s worth it to us, and we’re happy we could find the money to do it – even though between the doula, the birthing classes, the upstairs remodel and the new car we’re buying, it’s meant we’re so tightly budgeted that Subway is a luxury these days. These aren’t awful problems to have, and we’re lucky, but there’s no anniversary celebrating or “babymoons” for us. We’re probably going to drop $60 on a fire pit and spend our anniversary weekend in two weeks at home, huddled around it drinking non-alcoholic hot toddies. Which I think sounds pretty awesome.
I really don’t know a whole lot about hypnobirthing to write about it right now, but if you’re interested, I’ll be happy to share more as the classes go on!
