Thanks to everyone for their kind, encouraging, lovely comments and stories. I told Lynette yesterday that I felt like less of a wussy baby about the pain of the HSG after hearing from some of you that labor was not nearly as awful as that procedure.
This week I go in for the blood test that I think will confirm what I have long suspected, that the Hashimoto’s is screwing with my cycle. But we’ll see. I’m treating all of it as information, and not the determination of the fate of our world. To be fair, and I was explaining this to my friend Claire the other day while we went on a run together, I never saw my world including kids in a deep-in-my-veins way that a lot of women I know have. This doesn’t diminish how much I’d like to have a baby now – after all, who subjects themselves to a test like the one I had last week if they don’t have more than a passing curiosity about starting a family. But I don’t feel as though my sense of identity or self will change; truth be told, I know that leaves me luckier than most. This doesn’t mean there won’t be a deep sense of grief and loss, far from it, but I’ve always felt rather pragmatic about whatever the results of all of this will be, and I’m willing to suss out more information, but probably not subject myself, my husband and our little family to anything and everything in the name of producing a baby.
I’ll deal with the loss, like I’ve always dealt with loss, and that’s to take a step forward and get on with it. And then every once in a while, like any good Irish person, I’ll get really drunk and cry about all of those mismanaged feelings until I pass out.
I kid, I kid.
I suppose this is my way of saying to everyone that you’re likely to read things from me as we get closer to finding out what’s going on that is a bit less, I don’t know, traditional for a couple going through this. I don’t make any apologizes for that, but I know that much of how I am feeling won’t resonate with other women who blog about not being able to conceive. It was only this week, after having the HSG, did I pick up one of the many infertility books my friend Jen gave me. I just couldn’t pick any of them up, mostly because the language assumed a feeling on behalf of the reader that I just didn’t share.
I still don’t, but since we’re actually having these tests done, I’m reading the one book that feels like a practical application to the process of what to expect.
Is it possible to be sad and hurt and angry while simultaneously rejecting some of the conventions about not being able to get pregnant? I think so. Scott and I had long discussions about our views on having a family, and one of the first and automatic conclusions we came to was that he and I are a family. We are a family right now, and neither of us has a problem seeing a future that consists of only the two of us and a couple of dogs. We felt if we couldn’t see that future, dealing with whatever news came our way about having kids would be made more difficult.
All that said, I am grateful for the kind words and stories. They’re very helpful for the space we’re in right now. Really and truly.
I emailed the fertility center recommended to me by my OB-GYN about acupuncture. Since I love Eastern medicine with a capital “E,” I’m gung-ho about this step. I know there are all sorts of theories about this, but mainly I like the component of relaxation it brings to the table. In the past month, my anxiety and stress levels have plummeted, and my world is much more rose-colored as a result of a better day-to-day environment, but I need all the help I can get. And I’m just curious. And my new insurance covers it.
So there you go.
