(This post has sparked an interesting, yet respectful, discussion in the comments. Before you comment, be sure to read through all of the comments, mine included, before posting as I think I’ve clarified and given new thought to some of what I’ve said here!)
…and not-so-totally-seasoned-Moms:
There is something about becoming a Mom that leaves you a little war-torn, isn’t there? And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been mothering, the sheer act of becoming a mother, no matter how you’ve gone about it, and then all of the subsequent hours that follow, leaves a permanent mark. A dent. A scar. A tattoo. Pick your poison. You cannot be responsible for the well-being of another human being, and be so intimately aware of the goings on of his or her digestive tract, and not feel like you’ve accomplished something both spectacular and simultaneously wounding.
You should congratulate yourself. You should feel proud, elated, joyful. You should allow yourself the sense of satisfaction that can only come from the silence that permeates your home after the dishes have been done, your kids are in bed and you’re on your couch finishing up a work project for the next morning, wine in hand.
But you know what you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t continue to be such self-righteous, know-it-all assholes to new parents. We are over you and we don’t care.
Jonna (known better as Jonniker) mentioned something to me a few weeks ago, when Abigail was far past the point of being reasonable, about how her daughter Sam was colicky and what a challenge it was. What she didn’t do, however, was invalidate what we were experiencing, simply because she’d gotten through it, or because in the competition of Who’s The Bigger Martyred Mama, Sam’s colic was far worse. I’m paraphrasing here, but when I thanked her for commiserating with me, she went to talk about the disservice that veteran parents do to new parents by saying things such as, “Well, just wait until…” or “You don’t know how bad it really can get…” anything that presumes that a new parent’s experience can’t be anything compared to what the seasoned parent has already gone through. It doesn’t help anyone, and it assumes that all children are the same, which is total bullshit.
Since she said this, I can’t help but notice how prevalent this behavior is.
Abigail Grace has been sleeping like a champ. Tonight she went to bed at 7 p.m. (it’s 9:15 p.m. now), in her crib, and she’s still there sleeping now. She has been doing this for several days now, at my parents’ house included. I mentioned in jest (and celebration) on Twitter tonight that clearly I’m going to have to get a new hobby since finally we’re getting a handle on her sleeping habits.
You can’t follow me on Twitter, read this blog or be friends with me on Facebook, and have been hearing anything from me that doesn’t have to do with AG and her sleeping issues. It’s ridiculous, insane, boring…I know. So I made a joke about this.
Within minutes I hear from someone who said I just needed to wait because she was going to be teething soon.
This person didn’t mean anything by it, at least I don’t think she did, but why is it that for a good majority of parents the default response to the new parent, who is trying to conquer a mountain, is to summarily shit all over them? Or point out that no, this isn’t over.
I’m sorry, what about giving birth to a human being did you think I missed anyway? Oh, you mean that there will be more challenges ahead? Do you mean AG isn’t a Cabbage Patch Doll that they plucked from my uterus two months ago? I HAD NO IDEA.
What I will not do, what I have been making the most conscious of efforts not to do, is rain on the parade of a parent. I will not shove my own experiences as Abigail’s mom onto someone else, as though being Abigail’s mom somehow makes me an expert on being any kid’s mom. I will not tell another parent that they just need to wait, or that they just need to understand, or they just need to do any fucking thing. Guess what? They do not.
Do you know what new parents need? For you to remember what it was like when you finally hit your stride, and how you finally felt like you could do this, even though you know now that you had no idea what was really ahead of you. The new parent does not care about that information, least of all from you. What they need is for you to use your brain and bite your tongue when they tell you that their kid is finally sleeping, and maybe not tell them how in two weeks, two months, two years it’s going to get really ugly, ha ha, the underlying message from your smug ass being that they shouldn’t get too comfortable.
As though somehow that was even possible.
What they need is for you to say, “Great job, Mom!” What they need is for you to congratulate them and send your love, and tell them you know how good it feels to accomplish what they have. What they need is for you to remind them how they can do this and how proud you are of them. They just need you to cheer them on. They just need you to send your love.
–
God this is so hard. And you know what? I’m pretty well clued in after just two months that this will be hard from here on out. As my Dad said to me the other day, as we sat on my couch talking about Abigail and all of my fears, it never ends. I’m his 35-year-old, grown-ass daughter and he’s still struggling to parent me. I don’t need you to tell me that this is hard and we have so much ahead of us still.
But you know what? I’m sitting here in my living room with my husband, having made a great dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and then took a hot shower before curling up on the couch. And my kid? My baby is fast asleep in her crib upstairs, where she’s been since I put her down, and the difference it’s making in our lives right now cannot be underestimated. At the most it’s helped to lift a crippling depression and at the least made it so Glinny has gotten more belly rubs than she has in weeks. I couldn’t have imagined that this was even possible, just two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago? I was so scared. So sad. I had a hard time believing there was a tunnel, much less a light at the end of one. It threatened me and my family. This wasn’t a small matter for us, and it’s hard to be tolerant of people who want to take the wind out of this sail, even when they might not mean to do so.
I want to celebrate this. I want to be happy about this. I want to be in this moment and roll around in it. I don’t want to immediately replace this joy with another heaping of potential terror and trepidation because some random person on Twitter had that experience.
And I really, really never want to make another mom ever feel this way, either.
I’ll drink to that.
There is nothing worse than working your way through all of this than to have someone say something that makes you turn around and second guess everything. I actually get anxious sometimes when I’m in a position that other people might start tossing out stories or opinions when I’m not really wanting them. I think there is so much joy in figuring things out, making things work. Jack can’t talk to us but he gives signals and frankly between his Daddy and I, we’re figuring them out. Nobody is closer to him than we are. The people that come at you sometimes and say things as if they know better drive me crazy.
I’m thrilled that things are coming together for you and AG’s sleeping. It is something to cheer about. Motherhood is everything people say it is and then a whole ton of things you can’t know or understand until you’ve been there. But it is certainly a challenge and a win is a win. Great job, Mama!
Erin,
I don’t know what if anything this will mean to you (coming from a stranger over the internet, after all!) but I think you are doing such a fantastic job as a mum, you should be so proud of what you have achieved!
Also? By being as raw and unflinchingly honest as you have here, you are providing a service for new parents everywhere, telling them that it’s okay for it not to all be sunshine and puppy dogs, that parenthood is hard bloody work and that we can all get through it and even enjoy it. You’ve removed for me the weight of expectation that everything should be perfect when I have babies, which I know will have such a positive effect on me when it comes time for me to have kids.
Saw this today and thought it was appropriate given the circumstances:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Theodore Roosevelt
You are doing a great job my dear – Abigail is a lucky girl.
Steph
x
Beautifully put. Way to go. You are so right to focus on the joy and the good. Life is challenging enough without the smug. Congratulations Mama!!! Enjoy the quiet and the wine!
Thank you for writing this. I wonder sometimes why people have another if its just so horrible, and I have no idea the bad times that I’m in store for. Apparently its just going to be SO HARD when my twins start walking. You know what was hard? Freakin colic was hard. And if they didn’t walk (or teethe, or crawl), well that would be a problem.
I did run into a mom in the neighborhood the other day who had 5 week old twins. I told her IT GETS EASIER. I hope she didn’t resent the intrusion, but I remember being in the trenches of caring for two newborns, and feeling like I had really screwed up my life. It was a pretty awful and intense feeling at times.
And yeah, I think that it will always be hard, and scary at times, but I feel better and better equipped every day. Also – I find that this parenting gig gets more and more fun every week.
I am so glad you see that light at the end of the tunnel. Great job, mom – seriously. May you have more and more peaceful evenings in your future.
I’m sorry someone played pain olympics with you right now. Ugh. And it happens constantly, it really does. I mean with 3 kids in 4 years you’d think I’d get some leeway to complain about lack of sleep, right? Nope, all I get from older parents is “just wait until they’re teenagers!” Um, SERIOUSLY???
I do my best to commiserate when I can, keep my mouth shut when I disagree (I have one or two things I disagree with so fundamentally that I’ll say something about but really the vast majority of parenting is preference.), and remember that I do what works for me and other people making different choices don’t make it work any less well for me. And you know, I think I fell into this philosophy of parental advice sharing because I got one too many “YOU JUST WAIT.”
You’re fine. Worrying about teething won’t make it suck any less when it happens, so enjoy the moment. And yes. People need to cut it the hell out.
Oh, do I know the victory of that post 8pm peace & quiet. My husband and I look at each other, exhale, and turn on the grown up tv shows. It’s pure heaven.
Keep the writing up — you’re a great writer and a great mom.
It’s so beautiful when they finally sleep.
I like to tell new parents “Just wait until…” but in a positive way: just wait until baby sleeps, smiles, plays. Because obviously there are challenges ahead, any moron knows that. Newbies need reassurance that the tough slog will yield great rewards.
Oh yes! Definitely wasn’t talking about the positive “Just wait” sort of comments. Just the “You really don’t know hell but I do” sort of nonsense.
Beautifully said and your wise advice does not just apply to mothering but life in general.
Congrats on your sleeping baby, enjoy every blissful moment:)
Maura
@jo: I’m in the second trimester of my pregnancy with twins, and already, I’m feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of (colic + teething + feeding + long nights)x2! It’s such a blessing to have experienced moms who’ve survived all that and can prove that there’s a light at the end of that tunnel. I’m sure the mother of twins you met feels the same way.
In defense of the “seasoned parents” who tell you to watch out for “just wait until he/she…”.
Perhaps they are not deliberately trying to shit all over your hard-won success. Perhaps they are simply trying to warn you in the way they wish THEY were warned.
Perhaps they got the sleeping issue all locked up, only to be hit by the earliest, most god-awful bout of teething known to mankind. Perhaps teething is the bump in the road that knocked THEM on their asses, sent THEM tumbling into a depression, made THEM feel like they had made a huge mistake being a parent. Perhaps it was their own personal Waterloo, and they wished mightily that they had been better warned; that they would have like to have been better prepared and not been knocked down for the count when teeth came to call.
Perhaps it’s also that they want to commiserate, and simply aren’t articulate enough to do so in both a commiserative AND supportive fashion. I don’t think I ever got congratulated on getting my children through their newborn sleeping issues. I did get commiseration, which I took as proof that I was not alone in this, and that I’d get through it. Support came from my husband and close friends, not from mere acquaintances.
I did get a lot of “You just wait until…” but I realized that since the speaker OBVIOUSLY made it through “XYZ” and was still alive to warn me, no doubt I’d make it through, too.
It’s just possible that in the same way not every new parent is a moron desperately waiting to be educated by every other breeder on the planet, not every seasoned parent is trying to be a total fucking know-it-all expert.
I have always maintained that having a clean fed baby sleeping in the crib along with a clean kitchen is one of the few pleasures in life that are unparalleled. Congratulations!
You know, Sue, I think you’re absolutely right. But the problem are the ones who continuously degrade and chide. They may need/want to commiserate, and that’s admirable, but the fact that they come off as tacky because they can’t articulate themselves doesn’t make the behavior less irritating. The fact that they aren’t self-aware enough to see this doesn’t excuse how defeating it feels for a new parents when they act this way. There is a huge difference between commiseration and acting like an asshat, and I think most people know that.
Also? Why do people feel they need to warn someone about what they went through when no one asks for it? I didn’t ask some random stranger to warn me about anything, and just because it’s something they might have wanted, why is that OK? Why is it that it’s somehow OK to do so immediately on the heels of positive news? I’m sorry, but I don’t see that as behavior worth defending. There are plenty of things I wish I had been warned about, but I certainly wouldn’t see it my place to warn someone else as a response to their hard-earned victories. And that’s really my point. Why is it OK for someone to make a crack about how it just gets worse when they don’t actually know that to be the case for me? It’s ridiculous.
I might write a blog post about something I’ve learned, things I wished I knew, because it’s my blog and I write all of this for me. I might gift my friend with some items that were helpful for us, in addition to their requested registry items, but only with the caveat that it’s only if they need such items in an emergency, and it doesn’t mean they’ll need them so here is the receipt. I certainly wouldn’t look at my friends who are just giving birth and, on the heels of their recent victory, say something so tacky and self-involved as, “Oh just you wait until it’s SIX WEEKS. Then it’s hell,” just because it was that way for me. Because all that does is set up unnecessary fear and anxiety, right after they’ve captured a moment’s peace.
Cindy, my dear, this is why we are friends.
I’ve found this isn’t restricted to seasoned parents. Some people just like to be The Authority. I don’t have a kid yet, but I’ve been on a bit of a nontraditional path for a while. Every now and then someone will say, “Oh, you’re doing that? Well, [X] will totally happen because it happened to me when I did [some version of x], so be ready.” And then…it doesn’t. Or it does, but it’s different, because PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. Babies, too, I imagine.
Ah, humanity. God, we’re hard on each other.
>There is a huge difference between commiseration and acting like >an asshat, and I think most people know that.
I think the huge difference you cite is really only apparent in the eyes of the beholder. I also think you give the rest of humanity too much credit. You are certainly not the average when it comes to being articulate and self-aware.
Erin, I honestly don’t think people in general want to be asshats. I think they just want to connect, to give testimony to a shared human experience.
Babies are a natural way to make that connection, since it’s hard to keep a baby private (you know, unlike boils or hemorroids–I kid, I kid!), and because parenting makes up a huge part of most people’s life stories. Sharing advice gleaned from one’s own parenting experience is a natural extension of trying to establish that connection. Of course it’s unsolicited advice–how many of us could give that advice we’re just itching to bestow if we waited for permission? :^)
But I believe for the most part, people give advice because they want to make a connection, however small or temporal. And the “cracks about how it just gets worse” are their way of saying, “Hey, it’s a tough job, and it only gets tougher. But I’m here on the other side, so it’s possible for you to get there, too.
I’m not saying there aren’t plenty of asshats in this world. I’m saying that asshats are asshats, regardless of the topic of conversation. And unsolicited advice is almost always useless, so why should it be any different when it’s about babies as opposed to stock tips? But to a new parent, the asshat comments/advice regarding babies will feel particularly wounding.
I’m certainly not defending anyone’s right to be “tacky, irritating, chiding, and defeating.” I’m suggesting that many folks are just being human and to acknowledge a shared life experience, but maybe not doing so up to your standards of communication. I think it’s more a matter of perspective than asshatedness.
Oh, and I would like to add one thing: I think you’re doing a terrific job as a mom so far, Erin. :^) You seems to be very loving and thoughtful and firm and kind, and appear to giving this new job of yours 110%. I think that while parenting is never easy, it is a bit harder for those who analyze their actions and think/rethink their positions (because it’s so much easier to be rigid and unyielding and unwilling to try new tactics).
Parenting is the ultimate work/study job, and I think that as long as you trust your instincts, you will be just fine.
That’s a fair assessment, but it doesn’t at all change my mind. I don’t think my standards are high, as I’m not sure it’s much to ask that people be more self-aware, especially as it relates to children. It’s a simple question to ask: Would I want someone butting into my life and giving me unsolicited advice? I’m not sure why asking why some people don’t ask themselves that question before handing out advice is a high standard. Or maybe I’m just missing the point, too!
Plus? I’ve seen enough evidence of people sharing their parenting experiences without acting like a jack hole, so I know it can be done!
Again, I totally see what you’re saying, and appreciate it in theory, but I maintain my position.
Ha! Thanks, Sue.
I just want to say that it gets sooo much EASIER. And that is what I tell everyone, it gets easier and easier and better and better. My kiddo is now almost 3 and adorable and hilarious and so much fun to have around. And, on top of that, I feel like I have plenty of time for a life of my own – I read, I go out to dinner with my husband and my friends, I see movies, I exercise, etc. And when my son was 6 weeks old, I was pretty sure I would never leave the house again and that I had made a huge mistake in deciding to have a child.
All of that is to say that I’m sorry that people feel the need to tell you it gets harder and I think they are totally wrong. It gets easier by leaps and bounds!
Erin, I do think you’re doing great and I could not agree with you more about people who say anything but “you’re doing great!”. Just – don’t say it. I try to think about a time in my life when things weren’t going my way, or when things were hard, and then I think of the most unhelpful thing people could say and that’s how it feels. Like if I was having a hard time at work, and I said, “I am having a hard time at work. The job is completely different than it was described, my boss has undergone a major personality shift and screams at me all day, I have no coworkers to help”, I think, would someone say “wait until your boss retires and you get a new boss who sucks EVEN WORSE! That happened to me once!”. UGH. I think it starts when you are pregnant, like say you can’t sleep (pregnancy cold grrr) and someone says “you think you’re tired now! Just wait until that baby is screaming all night!”. Um. NOT HELPFUL. All my kids were super fussy, as I believe I have mentioned 1,000,000 times, and my own father used to say, all the time, “this is the best time of your life, Joanne!”. I finally had to beg him to please stop saying it because if that was true, I was seriously considering ending it all. I could go on and on but I already have. I wonder if you have ever read this post by the brilliant Swistle? I love it so much, it’s just perfect – the thing is, everyone has a different experience, human beings are all different, all little snowflakes and that’s how it should be treated. Also, people should talk less. Probably myself included! http://swistle.blogspot.com/2008/04/facts-for-some-people.html
Erin, if you think a throwaway Twitter comment about teething was bad, just you WAIT until—
Oh, I can’t even continue the joke. Heh. I will say that I agree with Sue, that what is often happening is that people use the shared experience of parenthood to make a connection, and just like anything else, some folks will bumble their efforts (and/or you won’t be in a particular receptive place when it comes to the tone they use). I feel like what you’re talking about is greatly different from someone judging your choices, and for me, the latter is the only thing I get bent out of shape about. Yeah, there’s no real use for the “just you wait” crap, but for me that falls under the possibly-annoying but in-good-spirits category of a fellow soldier who’s been where you’re currently trudging. It’s less of a dire attempt to fuck up your day, and more of a general acknowledgement of the war-is-hell difficulty of it all.
Also, the Internet = a 24/7 Game of Misery Poker. So, there’s that.
“and/or you won’t be in a particular receptive place when it comes to the tone they use”
I think this is probably an important distinction here. As of late, I have not been filled with joy where these things are concerned, and for this reason maybe I should be of better spirits. For the reason I mention – the ppd – this whole endeavor has felt pretty serious and huge, and so I have a bit of an inability not to be a bit touchy. Emotionally I need to have this victory not pissed upon, intentionally or not, and I really don’t need someone telling me it gets worse because right now, worse = depression never getting better.
So maybe that’s my larger issue – for some of us, toss away comments, even just under the guise of being a fellow soldier, just aren’t received well right now.
For real, I so identify with this. High school friends who have said “just wait until blah blah blah.” So over it.
You’re doing a great job!
Just wait until she’s a teenage girl.
(Kidding!!!!!)
I tell my pregnant friends and friend with newerborns than mine (he’s 8 months) – I’m here and will gush with advice and information and my own experiences IF YOU ASK ME to do so…otherwise, I am just here to listen to you.
you’re dope. remember how we were Internet Friends when i was a teenager and you seemed like you obviously must be about 50 years older than i am? except you’re not! whoa.
You know what? It doesn’t matter if teething or whatever is down the road, even if it’s down the road tomorrow, for goodness sakes. If you had a victory TODAY, you deserve to celebrate! If you have one good day, do a happy dance! It seems to me that if these well-intentioned are so sure that tomorrow’s going to suck for you, that’s all the MORE reason to celebrate all that has gone right today. So, go on with your bad self! You’re doing such a great job!!!!!
I want to echo what Nora said. It gets easier and easier. My kids are 6 and 3 and I feel almost human again — I’ve heard that when all your kids are over 5, wiping their own butts, pouring their own milk, entertaining themselves to a larger degree, entertaining you HUGELY — you’re nearly normal. I have loved being a parent more and found it easier each year. Babies are just difficult, even though I loved them fiercely.
Hi,
I feel like the above debate/discussion (although small) is unnecessary – you wrote what you feel at this time and we the readers should honor it – you just birthed! There is nowhere in our 1st world culture of honoring the Mother – your baby is very young – your hormones are still all over – I think people should just love you.
I do. And now we’re married ladies. Seriously. I remember WHEN YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I’m pretty sure I reviewed your entrance letter into Brown.
I kind of agree with you and I kind of agree with Sue here. I really did wish that I had been warned more fully about the true difficulty awaiting me and the things that I believe my aunts and grandma shared amongst themselves while caring for their young children at or near the same time whilst and at the same time living near each other.(I can see that perhaps not everyone’s life experience is exactly the same here and I appreciated the true knowledge that I got from friends and family more than the lady at the supermarket…they are everywhere ;D) I found that most of my personal knowledge came from observing family (by the time I was self aware they had gone through some of the hateful times), babysitting (now know that while this is great learning for diapers, bottles, etc, not great education for being a parent), and books/magazines (which I now avoid like the plague given the overall sentiment that I read in them including how peaceful and natural childbirth is, how breastfeeding is easier than making pancakes – and yet easier to screw up than those add water and shake pancake mixes, and a variety of things that simply don’t resonate with me and my personal parenting choices).
But, all that being said…Just wait. Now they want to commiserate, but later they want to compare. Take it as a good sign that they think your kid is the cutest in the room (and perhaps the smartest) and want to make sure that you know that theirs is that way too (Even if little Tommy is running after yours with a bugger on his finger at the time…I am sure he can read and is fluent in Spanish)!
I also want to apologize for the immense number of parentheses used above!
I think Sue is spot on.
I love how respectful this comment thread is, reading this has made my morning! I like what Sue and Sundry had to say, and I am sure Erin welcomes intelligent discourse on her posts. I think I was lucky, when my daughter was a baby, all those many moons ago-I didn’t have much unsolicited advice, at all. I think I was in a state of blissful ignorance, we didn’t have computer so my guides were the “What to Expect When…” and Parents magazine. I think parents are just absolutely bombarded with information now, and so much of it contradictory. I feel I am getting off topic, but just want to say I wish Erin all the best with that gorgeous little girl. Like someone said above, celebrate the victories, and I do believe that most people would feel terrible if they thought they had upset you with the “just wait” stuff.
I’m not a parent, but I will offer this one up: GOOD JOB, MOM! (:
I, too, think that you guys are doing a great job.
But I also feel compelled to point out that as humans and parents, it is REALLY HARD (for all of us) to get beyond the experience that we have… sleep troubles, teething troubles, whatever… we feel compelled to share it with others and perhaps spare them some of the misery that we went through. We may not always do it in the most articulate way, but I think usually the sentiment is good in sharing these things. Of course I have no idea about the specific comments you got or whatever so I could be totally off base in your case and the person was just an asshat.
This also made me think of your previous post about the baby shower gifts, and how you will from now on be giving people an emergency kit to deal with sleep issues should they arise. I am certainly not trying to call you a hypocrite or anything, because I think that pretty much all of the things you mentioned in your kit can be really useful at one time or another, but it also made me think that you were trying to do the same thing I just mentioned above… to share the experience that you had and what worked for you, in hopes of sparing these future parents some drama and anguish.
Again, not trying to start any drama here, but I just wanted to point out what immediately came to my mind when I read this. Like I said, I think you guys are doing a great job, and I could do without all the asshats of the world as well!!
My son is 26 and, while yes, worse things happened when he got past the infant phase, nothing has really taxed me physically and pushed me past the edge of exhaustion and shellshocked me quite like the 24/7 demands of caring for my own newborn. I still remember it vividly and empathize with anyone going through it. No matter how many books one reads or how much one might have “practiced” on other people’s babies, nothing quite compares to that first newborn marathon with your own infant. Holy crap (and mine didn’t even HAVE colic).
Oh no, I don’t think you’re stirring up drama. I’m enjoying this discussion, if nothing else, for the perspective.
I do mention above, Felicia, about me giving friends a few items due to my experience, but I’ll repeat here: I think there is a world of difference from me giving my *friends* a few items as gifts, IN ADDITION TO what they’ve asked for, and saying, “We didn’t know about this, so if this happens to you at 3 a.m., these might help but every kid is different. If not, here is the receipt,” than there is of me saying, “My kid is sleeping now!” and having some random-ass stranger say to me, “Oh don’t get excited yet. You haven’t gotten to week X yet.”
WORLD of difference, and I’m not approaching my friends in a fashion that says, “You just don’t know, you ignorant fool.” I’m ABSOLUTELY not talking about people – like the majority of my readers – who are kind and offer encouragement and share their own experiences in the spirit of commiseration. For the record, I’m hard pressed to recall many people here who haven’t left anything but the nicest of comments. I’m talking about people who, for whatever reason, and many of you have offered a hypothesis or two, when I say I’ve done “X,” instead of just saying, “Hey! That’s great!” offer up “Oh you just wait until you’ve been where I’VE been. Talk to me when you’ve handled THAT.”
It’s rude. It’s not commiseration. It’s parental competition. I don’t really care why someone feels the need to talk that way, and I find it oft-putting and annoying and not at all helpful, and I can’t imagine saying something like that to someone. I just can’t.
Again, there is a difference between buying my friends a few gifts in case they experience what we did and someone saying to me that because they went through “hell” that I don’t really know what “hell” is so only then, when I’ve experienced what they have, can I talk about what I’m going through.
THAT is my issue, and I’m not saying everyone does that.
Does that help clarify my position a little better? I’m really trying here and I don’t want to get even MORE word-y!
I agree with you completely, Erin, as you know. It’s hard for me because my kids were so crazy and fussy, to know exactly how much to say to friends of mine. What I want to do is walk into a baby shower and say DON’T DO IT! TURN BACK! but of course I don’t. I DO give things that I really liked and that really helped me (miracle blanket, exercise ball, books I liked) and I figure that they will explain themselves if they are needed, ha!
I do find that when I am in the thick of it, when my babies are less than four months old, and someone says something, regardless of how they mean it, it just doesn’t matter. It feels rude and it feels like an attack and I wish people would just know that, just reach back and remember what it was like for you and just – shut it. But they don’t, I know, and it can be very frustrating. I remember people used to come to my house and say “he’s not crying now!” because I had just done, like, ONE HOUR of walking and bouncing and blow drying and shhhhh-ing, and I would think “well of course he’s not!”. But did they think I was making it up? At the school where I used to work, we used to say “is it kind? Is it helpful?” about thinking before you speak, and I wish more people would do it.
“Parenting is the ultimate work/study job, and I think that as long as you trust your instincts, you will be just fine.”
Love this! As a parent of an 18 year old and 16 year old nothing rings more true to me then the line above. This journey, and it is just that a journey is a job and a act of love rolled up together. We are human and we make mistakes and it is the ability to admit those mistakes to our children, to show them that we are human that I believe is the greatest gift we can bestow on them.
We will all parent differently and none of us will do it perfectly and as I watch my son graduate in two weeks I can say I made many mistakes, but I had many victories as well. He slept through the night and was potty trained in a week! He had a miserable addiction to his pacifier till the age of 4 and never ate anything beside chicken nuggets till 6. He would be dyslexic, small for his age, have crooked teeth, acne and struggle with making friendships . He would love sports, be on the honor roll and get into most of his college choices.
The only advice I bestow to other moms now is love your child wholeheartedly, do the best job you are capable of and be humble enough to tell them when you screwed up. I know people say time will fly by, but it does, when I look back, I remember his first steps like it was yesterday and now his steps will be across a stage to start his new life and I couldn’t be more filled with love for him as I was the day he was born. That is our bond as mothers
While I don’t think I’ve ever said “just wait”, I am certainly guilty of asking other mothers, almost immediately after hello, how their kid was sleeping. Because my son was such a bad sleeper, I was looking for commiseration (since my few friends with kids had, what seemed like, perfect kids). Someone told me later, and it seems obvious in retrospect, that asking a new mum how their kid sleeps seems to be inviting a competitive discussion. So while to a stranger it seemed an attempt to one-up (because they didn’t know my situation) it was only meant with the best intentions. And just for the record, there was only commiseration if their kid didn’t sleep well, I was/am not in the business of competing for worst sleeper!
I appreciate you sharing your story Erin, am glad things are looking up!
I think we could maybe agree that it gets physically easier and mentally harder.
First you have the sleepless nights and impossibility of physically recovering from the assault on your body that giving birth was while you’re struggling with breastfeeding and the emotional whomp of being a parent and all that. As time goes on this is replaced with the need to be constantly one step ahead of your toddler’s mental processes in order to get through the day without too many tantrums, the trauma of potty training, having to answer a million “why?” questions without spontaneous combustion, and then the as-yet-unimagined awfulness that awaits us all in the teenage years.
But the older they get, the more great things they do to compensate for the awfulness, from first smiles, steps, and words to learning to ride a two-wheeler (where I am right now).
We’ll all keep on keeping on, just for that, whatever anyone else says to us, well-intentioned or otherwise.
Oh Maura–the last paragraph of your comment made me cry. It’s perfect.
Some people just have to be right, no doubt about it, and parenting is their ultimate competition. But I also wonder if some of that smug expertise stuff, that “Oh, you think you have it bad NOW, just wait..” stuff comes from people who haven’t really hit their stride as parents, and are frantically trying to present a good front to the world, to mask the fact that they don’t know what they are doing, and haven’t realized yet that nobody is an expert, there are very few truly bad parenting choices made by normally rational people, and that life isn’t a competitive sport, played to win.
Something I didn’t notice until I was more caught up on my sleep deficit and my infants were not quite as fragile, and life was more ‘normal’ was that women who were the most strident about telling me about mothering were really women who were the most insecure about what they were doing. Women who needed to be *right* so badly. Women who needed to tell me that if life was good right now, a new baby development was just around the corner, ready to screw me over. When women do that as a pattern to ‘younger’ moms, I think it is a clear sign that they are not confident that they are making good parenting choices, or believe in the ‘one choice is the best choice, and the rest are Capital-W-WRONG’. Seeing that helped turn my anger toward them to pity, and that was a helpful process for me.
This has been such a great discussion!
Last night I met a mother of 2 who has a baby just a few days younger than Harry. Immediately we started talking about sleep (as you do), and when she asked about our bedtime routine, I told her. I then told her how were were struggling with it when a friend suggested I move his bedtime earlier, and that it worked.
She shook her head and said how they were the first of their group to have kids and how she doesn’t have anyone to advise her.
It can be hard sometimes, being one of the last to do this thing, but also a blessing, because there is very little we’re experiencing that someone else hasn’t already experienced.
But yeah the “just wait” thing is annoying as heck. Although I have to say I heard it a lot more when we were dealing with IF than in motherhood.
you are doing a fantastic job. for reals
I thought I was doing a fantastic job- you know, doing it all “right” and I hear attitude and words coming out of my 5yr old mouth that just asstound me. so I laugh about it to someone (although I feel like crying because I think how the hell did I mess up this bad to have a kid like this) and I hear- oh wait till their teenagers. Oh wait it gets better when they are in middle school… Oh well I have a 9 year old and let me tell you… so it isn’t just for babies. you, unfortunatly, will hear this the rest of THIER life. . . and then the my kid is supreme to yours will start in soon.
what I have lost is my smugness that “I” was doing it right because obviously there aren’t any other 5 year olds on the floor of target having a meltdown- so I guess I shouldn’t spew my parenting advice. HA!
But really, I love reading your blog and all about your precious little AG.
congrats to you- and enjoy it all when you can. some moments can just take your breath away.
So many great comments. I kind of agree with everyone, basically.
Parents — and moms especially (and why is that?)– can be very competitive. It’s crappy. I don’t think it happens any more in the very beginning, but I think it’s harder to take in the beginning for a couple of reasons — 1) you just feel more raw, less sane, more tired, so it’s hard to hear much of anything and 2) you don’t know what you’re doing. I think, as time goes on and you feel more confident and have achieved decent levels of sleep and emotional and physical balance/health, you can just let all that crap roll off you.
And, last, most important — great job, mom!
I agree there is so much competition in parenting. I felt it when Zoe was a baby (you’r not breastfeeding? Get away from you selfish monster!) and now that the kids are in school. I was berated just the other week for daring to consider a private school that would be perfect for her (middle school ack!) over our local middle school that would end with Zoe in a locker. “Don’t you want to keep fighting for public schools?” not if it ends with my daughter stuffed in a locker, no. So that leaves me an elitist..so be it I guess. But I felt horrible for a good period of time from one person who I really don’t care about.
I do think vet parents really mean only to help. I will admit to having said, “Just wait…” but generally I try to give a “it gets easier.” and yes easier physically, harder emotionally. I don’t know which I would prefer, but each step is amazing in its own way.
I disagree. The older your child gets the more confident you become as a parent and you are more able to trust you are doing the right thing. It becomes a hell of a lot easier!
When I think of those first months with a colicky baby, my first child, I was a mess. Everyone claimed to know how to cure it, make him sleep, be a better mom than I was. It was VERY difficult and I suffered from PPD for the first year till I sought help.
My kids are now 13 (twin girls) and 18 (son). Tomorrow my son graduates from High School. All of them great kids, no emotional worries thus far (knocking wood, HARD!)
All you can do is trust yourself and do your best and it sounds like you have that nailed. You know you are doing your damned best for your daughter and pat yourself on the freaking back
Daily!!